Sacrilegious Discourse - Bible Study for Atheists

• 1 Maccabees Q&A Chapters 1 - 7

  If you thought 1 Maccabees was confusing the first time through, welcome to the Q&A episode where we prove it wasn’t just you, it’s the text. The hosts dive into chapters 1–7 and immediately tackle the big brain question: is Eupator related to Jupiter? Short answer: nope. Longer answer: his name basically means “son of awesome dad,” because Antiochus IV Epiphanes was so full of himself he named his kid after his own greatness... right before we detour into how Darth Vader literally means “Dark Father.”Then we finally untangle that maddening date-counting system. Every “in the 137th year…” line is pegged to the Seleucid Era starting around 312 BCE, but with Syrians counting autumn-to-autumn and Jews counting spring-to-spring, so all the dates are off by a year depending on whose calendar you’re using. It’s not you; it’s ancient imperial bookkeeping.From there, the episode wades into the absolute pronoun soup of 1 Maccabees 7: Demetrius I murders the child-king Eupator, Alci–sorry, Albus Dumbledore (Alcimus) sells out Judas to the Greeks, Bacchides and Nicanor take turns trying to crush the revolt, and the so-called “wicked Jews” and “faithful Jews” mostly look like people just trying not to die under whichever empire currently has the bigger sword. The hosts call out how both sides weaponize “faithfulness,” and even tie it to modern intra-Jewish and Israel/Palestine tensions—same God, different factions, infinite bloodshed.It all climaxes with Nicanor’s Day: Judas kills Nicanor, they chop off his head and right hand, and the Jews turn it into a yearly celebration on the 13th of Adar—basically the day before Purim—until later rabbis go, “Yeah, maybe we don’t center a mutilation festival in the liturgical calendar.” Now it survives mostly as an obscure historical footnote… or as an excuse for the hosts to propose atheist meetups involving a giant foam hand and a fake severed head.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:Why Eupator is not Jupiter—and how his name basically translates to “Son of Awesome Me”The Seleucid Era date mess: autumn vs. spring years and why the numbers never quite line upBreaking down the chaos of 1 Maccabees 7: who killed whom, and why every “he” is a jump-scare for your brainAlcimus/“Albus Dumbledore” as a traitorous descendant of Aaron angling for that high priest cloutThe Hasideans: pious idealists, useful idiots, or just people who didn’t want to get murdered todayNicanor’s Day—the bloody holiday that got quietly yeeted from the Jewish calendarParallels between Maccabean factionalism and modern fights over what it means to be a “good Jew” or “good believer”Foam hands, fake heads, and how to turn a forgotten holy day into an atheist block party💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“What the fuck even happened in chapter seven with all the pronouns?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

  --------  

  38:37

  --------

  38:37
• 1 Maccabees Chapter 7: Bible Study by Atheists

  Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and this time 1 Maccabees 7 serves up beheaded generals, and one extremely “arrogant” right hand that ends up hanging "beside" Jerusalem like a bloody lawn ornament. The crew kicks off by trying (and failing) to untangle which Antiochus is which, who Demetrius is replacing, and whether anyone in this book has ever heard of clear pronouns. War elephants from the last chapter get a recap, John-Wick-style martyrdom included.We meet new villains—Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor, all of whom swear “peace” with the same sincerity as a televangelist asking for seed money. The hosts roast their oath-breaking nonsense, the constant ambushes, and the idea that cussing in the temple is somehow worse than slaughtering entire armies. They land on the 13th of Adar as a bloody victory day and start plotting how to celebrate it with a fake head and a giant foam hand nailed “beside the house.”Along the way, they rant about divine hitman prayers (“Dear God, please kill these dudes for us”), the Bible’s obsession with vengeance, and how every “great army” somehow folds like wet cardboard the second Judas shows up. If you like your Bible with a side of profanity, historical snark, and total disrespect for holy war propaganda, this one’s for you.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:Judas Maccabeus vs. Demetrius, Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor – the never-ending war of guy-with-army vs. guy-with-armyOath-breaking “men of peace” who always show up with swords and backup troopsPriests begging God to commit mass murder because someone blasphemed in the templeThe 13th of Adar, Nicanor’s defeat, and why his chopped-off head and right hand become party décorBible propaganda 101: how to spin slaughter into “godly justice”The hosts’ total confusion over who killed whom… and righteous mockery of biblical pronoun soupBrainstorming a modern Nicanor Day with foam hands and plastic heads on the lawn💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Dear God, please fucking kill those guys that are making me so mad.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

  --------  

  35:00

  --------

  35:00
• 1 Maccabees Chapter 6: Bible Study by Atheists

  In this episode, the Maccabees aren’t the only drama queens — King Antiochus IV basically has a full-on meltdown because he didn’t get to steal enough gold, then decides he’s dying of feelings instead of, you know, old age. The hosts walk through 1 Maccabees 6, dragging the idea that this genocidal tyrant suddenly grew a conscience about Jerusalem while he’s still out looting temples and throwing imperial tantrums. We also get into how “history is written by the winners” translates into “of course they made the villain repent on his deathbed,” and why that’s some seriously self-serving fanfic.From there, things escalate into absolute chaos: mercenaries, massive armies, and the world’s saddest war elephant snuff scene. The text lovingly details a huge Hellenistic army with 100,000 infantry, cavalry, and thirty-two war elephants in armored towers… only for the story to pivot into John-Wick-meets-Disney as one dude dives under an elephant, kills it, and gets flattened like a Looney Tunes gag. The hosts roast the absurd battle math (600 casualties out of 120,000? really?), the propaganda spin, and the way both ancient Israel and modern states weaponize “self-defense” to justify collective punishment and ethnic cleansing.We also detour into aliens, Trump’s ketchup-on-the-wall energy, Taylor Swift learning football, and why every empire — ancient or modern — swears it’s “defending itself” while committing atrocities. And just when it looks like there might be a political compromise, King Antiochus V swears an oath, marches up to Mount Zion, sees how strong it is… and immediately breaks his promise and tears down the walls. Because of course he does. If you’ve ever wondered how Bible stories normalize betrayal, conquest, and genocidal vibes while pretending it’s all holy and justified — this episode is your poison.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:War elephants and battlefield cosplay in 1 Maccabees 6 — 32 armored elephants, towers, Indian drivers, and maximum overcompensationHow Antiochus IV’s “I’m dying of grief” monologue is pure propaganda, not a real moral awakeningThe Maccabees as “freedom fighters”… who also commit genocide and ethnic cleansing, just like every other empire in this bookParallels between ancient “we’re just defending ourselves” rhetoric and modern justifications for collective punishment and occupationThe absolutely ridiculous “one guy versus an army” hero narrative, complete with elephant assassination and cartoon-level physicsOath-breaking kings, broken walls, and why political power in the Bible is just vibes plus violenceSide quests: Trump’s temper tantrums, Taylor Swift learning football, Rogue One, John Wick, and why good writing clearly did not inspire this chapter💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Sorry. I don't believe in, uh, people committing genocides. I think that that is bad and wrong.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

  --------  

  49:13

  --------

  49:13
• 1 Maccabees Chapter 5: Bible Study by Atheists

  Judas Maccabeus is back, and this time he’s on full genocidal tour mode. In 1 Maccabees 5, our hosts walk through a chapter that reads less like “faith heroism” and more like “war crime highlight reel” — burning people alive in towers, slaughtering “all the males,” torching temples, and then calling it holy victory. They dig into how the text frames this as righteous defense while clearly crossing the line into mass murder, drawing sharp (and uncomfortable) parallels to modern “we’re just defending ourselves” rhetoric around Israel, Hamas, and the language of genocide.Along the way, they wrestle with the Bible’s absolute mess of pronouns (“this isn’t representation, it’s pronoun abuse”), try to untangle who’s killing whom in Gilead, and mock the hilariously lazy body counts where 3,000 soldiers somehow kill… exactly 3,000 enemies. Judas keeps burning cities, temples, and altars like a Yahweh-flavored arsonist, while the hosts point out that this is the winner’s version of history — and it still makes Judas look like a monster.Because it’s Sacrilegious Discourse, the carnage is broken up with digressions about Starbucks honey bear mugs, Stanley Cups culture, and how manufactured scarcity is the capitalist cousin of religious gatekeeping. There’s snark about priests “doing exploits unadvisedly,” a side rant about how this book probably didn’t make the canon because it’s badly written and obsessed with war porn, and a whole mini-bit about how much easier life would be if everyone was on Husband’s wavelength… which, frankly, might still be less terrifying than Yahweh’s.If you love an atheist Bible podcast that calls genocide genocide — even when the Bible tries to wrap it in incense and altar smoke — this episode is for you. Listen to the chaos, rage-laugh at the theology, and then come yell about it with other godless nerds.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com• Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC• Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:Judas Maccabeus as Yahweh’s favorite war criminal — burning towers, temples, and whole cities in 1 Maccabees 5“Defense” vs. genocide: how the text sounds uncomfortably similar to modern Israel/Palestine rhetoricThe Bible’s pronoun problem: when “they” makes the plot completely incomprehensibleCopy-paste body counts: why every battle somehow ends with perfectly round numbers of dead guysPriests doing “exploits” and getting slaughtered for absolutely no good reasonBurning other people’s altars while complaining when yours get smashed — religious hypocrisy in real timeStarbucks bears, Stanley cups, and the unholy trinity of manufactured scarcity, capitalism, and fandom💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“This is not defense. This is actively murdering.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

  --------  

  37:11

  --------

  37:11
• Divided Kingdoms

  In this chaotic tour through 1 Kings and 2 Kings, your favorite godless duo wraps up the Deuteronomistic history by time-lining Israel’s slow-motion trainwreck into exile. We’re talking Solomon’s “wisest man alive” era that still somehow ends in idolatry, dick-led decision-making, and a kingdom split because his son Rehoboam is a petty little tyrant. From Jerusalem to Samaria, golden calves to pop-up worship centers, they drag every bad leadership choice that supposedly made God big mad—while also side-eyeing how convenient it is that women and “foreign wives” get blamed for everything.Then it’s on to 2 Kings, where the divided kingdoms of Israel and Judah take turns face-planting into history. Assyria sacks the north, Babylon finishes off the south, and a parade of prophets—Elijah, Elisha, Amos, Hosea, Micah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, maybe even Obadiah if the timeline behaves—show up just in time to be ignored. The hosts roast the idea that God is “teaching lessons” through mass suffering, point out how wildly unjust it is to blame entire nations on one king’s theology, and land on the real thesis: God is a retrofitted explanation for whatever political disaster already happened—a literal plug-and-play tool.📌 Topics Covered:Solomon the “wise” king who still manages to get led astray by wealth, wives, and weaponized misogynyRehoboam and Jeroboam: how bad leadership and rival worship sites fracture the so-called united kingdomElijah vs. Ahab and Jezebel on Mount Carmel—fire from heaven, Baal drama, and theological dick-measuring contestsThe rise and fall of Israel (north) to Assyria and Judah (south) to Babylon—aka “covenant loyalty” spin versus obvious political failureMinor prophets in their actual timeline: Amos, Hosea, Micah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Jonah and more, shoved back into Second Kings where they belongWhy blaming entire national collapses on one king’s “idolatry” is morally disgusting—and historically lazyThe hosts’ take that God is basically a political post-it note slapped on events after the fact: “This is why terrible or wonderful things happen.”A final “hopeful” note with a half-free king in Babylon… that doesn’t really fix the centuries of divine abuse and exile💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“It almost feels like God is usually like almost an afterthought in their stories because they plug him in post whatever happened.”👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 If you like what you heard (or hated it in the right way), support our blasphemy on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

  --------  

  35:20

  --------

  35:20

More Comedy podcasts

Trending Comedy podcasts

About Sacrilegious Discourse - Bible Study for Atheists

Sacrilegious Discourse - Bible Study for Atheists: Podcasts in Family