Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Available Episodes

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Ep 329: Who Needs College Anymore?
Kathleen deLaski, author of Who Needs College Anymore?, joins us to discuss the evolving necessity of college education in light of new career pathways, rising tuition costs, and the changing job market influenced by technology and skills-based hiring.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesIn the rapidly changing landscape of education and employment, parents are left questioning the value of a college degree for their teenagers. With soaring tuition fees and an evolving job market that increasingly values skills and experience over formal education, it's no wonder many are rethinking the traditional path. As artificial intelligence and automation continue to reshape industries, the future of college education becomes even more uncertain.To unpack these transformative trends, we’re joined this week by Kathleen deLaski, the founder and board chair of the Education Design Lab. Kathleen, a senior advisor at Harvard's Project on Workforce and a professor at George Mason University, recently authored Who Needs College Anymore?, offering a fresh perspective on the traditional college track. Through her work and personal experiences, Kathleen shines a light on how parents can navigate and advise their teens in this shifting educational paradigm.The Evolution of 'Higher Education'The script for achieving the American Dream, once dominated by the pursuit of a college degree, is being rewritten. Kathleen shares insights into how more than half of high school graduates venture towards college, yet less than 40% achieve a bachelor's degree. She delves into the inflated expectations for degrees in the job market and highlights the blurring lines between traditional blue- and white-collar roles—changes driven by technological advancements.Beyond the College DegreeKathleen explores the burgeoning pathways that don't involve college, acknowledging the roles apprenticeships and industry certifications can play. She argues for a mindset shift, urging educational institutions to offer hands-on experience outside conventional classroom settings. The traditional college experience might still benefit some, but for others, Kathleen advocates exploring micro-pathways that offer direct routes into the workforce.Addressing the Last MileOne of the significant hurdles for college graduates is the "last mile," or the transition from education to employment—a common pitfall Kathleen identifies as a gap colleges must address. She emphasizes the importance of obtaining career-related experiences and the proactive role colleges and students should undertake to ensure job readiness. As artificial intelligence becomes a staple in recruitment, standing out requires fostering real-world skills and networks.In the Episode...Throughout our conversation, Kathleen offers thoughtful insights into these pressing questions:How can parents support teens’ interests while considering modern educational pathways?What role do certifications and digital skills wallets play in validating competencies without degrees?How can we facilitate skills-based hiring to redefine job readiness?Kathleen deLaski's perspective is invaluable for any parent navigating their teen’s educational choices amidst rapid changes in higher education. Her work urges us to reconsider our approach to student success, encouraging dialogue and action to adapt to the future of learning. For those interested in learning more about Kathleen’s thought-provoking work, visit whoneedscollegeanymore.org, where resources and discussion guides are available. Don’t forget to check out her book for a comprehensive understanding of how degrees might lose their gravity in the coming years. Stay tuned and subscribe for a deeper dive into the education of tomorrow.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.
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Ep 328: Introducing Teens to an Experimental Mindset
Anne-Laure Le Cunff, author of Tiny Experiments, joins us to discuss how an experimental mindset can offer teens a refreshing, exploratory approach to personal success, allowing them to break free from linear goal setting and conventional expectations.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesIn our quest to guide teens toward successful futures, we often urge them to set concrete, linear goals. We believe these goals offer structure and direction—yet this mindset may inadvertently restrict creativity, unique pursuits, and personal growth in our teens. What if, instead of marching along predetermined paths, teens explored a series of small, impactful experiments that revealed their interests and potential?Today, we're exploring a whole new way of setting teens up for success. Anne-Laure Le Cunff, ex-Googler, neuroscience Ph.D. candidate, and author of Tiny Experiments, reveals how embracing an experimental mindset can help teens navigate life with creativity and freedom. Through her work at Ness Labs, Anne-Laure encourages adopting experimentation over goal-setting to discover personal and unique paths.In her book, Anne-Laure proposes that teens be encouraged to test "tiny experiments" in various areas of their lives—whether it's trying a new hobby, exploring a budding interest, or learning a different skill. Instead of focusing on long-term commitments or the fear of making mistakes, these experiments allow for trial, error, and—most importantly—learning. This approach empowers teens to gather experience and data from which they can draw conclusions for the future.Cultivating CuriosityTeens are naturally curious, and Anne-Laure asserts we should nurture this trait. She suggests parents help teens create a "curiosity circle," where they can explore interests in a group setting, driving communal and personal growth. Recalling how adulthood urged us to “figure it all out,” Anne-Laure invites parents to reminisce about their own teenage years and prioritize exploration over immediate resolutions for their children.Energy and Decision MakingManaging energy, not just time, is crucial for effective experimentation. Anne-Laure highlights the importance of tracking one's energy and aligning activities with peak times for productive engagement. Reflecting on energy levels can enhance experiment outcomes—ensuring that teens feel empowered to optimize their personal schedules for better results.Overcoming Activation BarriersA significant challenge lies in initiating the first step. Anne-Laure introduces frameworks like “the pact” and “plus, minus, next” which scaffold the experimental process, breaking down larger tasks into manageable pieces and prompting reflection. This helps teens confidently explore new initiatives by emphasizing commitment, action, and reflection over mere completion.ConclusionAdopting an experimental mindset allows teens to approach uncertainties in life with agility and resilience—turning challenges into chances to learn. By encouraging experiments, we can prevent the analysis paralysis that often accompanies teen decision-making processes, fostering a more balanced, engaged approach to life.In the Episode…On top of the above, Anne-Laure and I also discuss:How perfectionism undermines opportunityThe role of community in shared learning experiencesPractical examples of setting up a teen-led experimentTracking progress and understanding setbacksFor more insights from Anne-Laure Le Cunff, visit Ness Labs or sign up for her newsletter. If you enjoyed this episode, help us spread the word, share with friends, and subscribe to Talking to Teens for more enlightened discussions.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.
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Ep 327: Getting Teens to Listen the First Time
Paul Sunseri, author of "Gentle Parenting Reimagined," shares strategies for fostering respectful and productive communication with teenagers, focusing on maintaining calm authority and handling defiance with effective behavior change techniques.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesParenting teens often feels like a constant negotiation, where requests are met with pushback, homework remains unfinished, and bedtime mysteriously shifts later and later. As a parent, you might find yourself repeating the same requests over and over, only to engage in a frustrating dance of argumentation that doesn’t end until you’re both worn out. The challenge is getting teens to engage respectfully and follow through the first time--all without nagging or raising your voice.Traditional approaches may no longer work as our teens become more independent and begin to test boundaries like never before. However, it’s crucial to establish a balance between gentle connection and firm guidance to effectively communicate and set limits. How can we aspire to keep our cool while managing the everyday defiance?This week's podcast guest, Paul Sunseri, is here to help us find that harmony. Paul is a clinical psychologist, father of four, and author of "Gentle Parenting Reimagined". With over 40 years of experience working with children and adolescents with serious mental health conditions, he has developed Intensive Family Focused Therapy, specializing in behaviorally challenging youth. Paul’s extensive experience informs his book, where he combines behavioral strategies with gentle parenting practices to provide actionable advice for dealing with oppositional and defiant kids.In our conversation, Paul describes how parents often feel outmatched by their teenager's ability to escalate arguments or throw them off course with "red herrings"--distracting statements meant to derail. Paul explains how to spot these diversions and prevent them from sidetracking you, maintaining focus on your original request with calm firmness.Cultivating Effective CommunicationFor parents, mastering a calm and confident “vibe” is crucial. Paul highlights that barking orders often results in more resistance—a counterproductive cycle. Instead, he advocates for maintaining a matter-of-fact tone that sets clear expectations and consequence pathways without generating conflict.This episode also explores transitioning from traditional commands to more collaborative asks. As kids mature, they respond better to peer-like respect and autonomy rather than dictatorial orders. Paul introduces a language restructuring strategy that can increase cooperation by treating teens as responsible individuals capable of managing their tasks—if they can be persuaded to see the personal benefits in doing so.Dealing with DefianceWhen kids push boundaries through disrespect or defiance, leveraging privileges effectively becomes essential. Paul shares his methodology of “pause, earn, and return” for reinforcing positive behavior without resorting to extended punishments devoid of redemption paths. These principles rest on the concept that privileges, particularly screen time, can be used as motivation to encourage desired behaviors.Through tweaks like establishing daily privilege earning systems for challenging youths, parents are guided on instilling responsibility and routine, even in seemingly intractable scenarios like morning school readiness.Reinforcing Limits with LovePaul underscores the importance of reinforcing behavioral limits with affection, humor, and attentive engagement. A harmonious family dynamic, he claims, stems from a foundation of warmth, humor, and mutual respect—qualities that make turning away from negative conduct all the more desirable to teens.In the Episode...My conversation with Paul yields a wealth of wisdom for parents grappling with unruly teen behavior. Beyond the strategies discussed, Paul and I also touch upon:How to handle anger and escalations effectivelyThe significance of raising expectations for teens' social and developmental growthUsing humor for reinforcement rather than conflictStrategies for encouraging teenagers to take on responsibilities, like driver’s licenses or part-time jobsFor more, dive into Paul’s insightful guide on managing teen behavior at myifft.org, and keep developing productive and respectful communication with your teens. Don't forget to subscribe to Talking to Teens for more episodes full of valuable insights every week!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.
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Ep 326: Breaking Generational Parenting Cycles
Melanie Shankle, author of Here Be Dragons, joins us to share insights from her complex mother-daughter relationship and discuss how parents can break generational cycles, empower their teens, and handle high school drama with grace.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesParenting teenagers often means we find ourselves navigating uncharted waters, especially when attempting to break away from the generational cycles of how we were raised. As parents, we aim to avoid the pitfalls our parents may have encountered, ensuring that we foster healthy relationships and nurture authentic communication with our children. But with social media, school pressures, and developmental changes, there are always dragons to slay along the way.This week, we're delving into the struggles and joys of raising teens with Melanie Shankle, author of seven books, including her newest release, Here Be Dragons. Melanie opens up about her history with her own mother and how it influenced her journey of motherhood. Her personal experiences and stories have shaped her perspective and allowed her to break the cycle, raising her daughter with intention and resilience.In the conversation, Melanie and I touch on the complex realities of teenage friendships and the competitive pressures that come with them. Melanie reflects on how witnessing mean girl dynamics in her daughter's high school experience inspired her book and highlighted the importance of being a supportive parent without helicoptering. We explore how these teenage social challenges can sometimes echo the emotional turmoil experienced in their parents' childhoods.The Perils of High School FriendshipsTeenage friendships can be fraught with challenges, especially in a social media-saturated world. While everyone feels they need to be part of the group, Melanie notes how social media adds an unprecedented layer of complexity, allowing for relentless bullying that follows teens beyond the schoolyard. Her daughter Caroline's real-life challenges with peer drama serve as a poignant reminder of the importance of teaching resilience and self-care.Melanie's approach involved empowering her daughter to tackle her social challenges with dignity, encouraging Caroline to take decisive actions, whether by confronting her peers or turning to school authorities when necessary. This empowerment not only helped Caroline stand up for herself but also forged life-long skills she continues to use.Fathers as Role ModelsMelanie elaborates on the critical role her father played in shaping her self-worth and stability, despite having a turbulent relationship with her mother. The dynamics with her father shed light on the significant impact fathers have as role models in their daughters' lives. Melanie underscores the perseverance her father showed, being a constant presence despite difficulties, a lesson she passes along to parents on how resilience and love can transcend challenging circumstances.Understanding the complex emotions between parents and children can help foster better relationships, providing teens with a stable and loving foundation even amidst family disruptions.Navigating Generational HealingDrawing from her experiences growing up with a narcissistic mother, Melanie reflects on the crucial steps of breaking generational cycles. From learning to express her own needs in adulthood to creating a household where her child's voice is heard and valued, Melanie's story is Testament to overcoming the shadows of the past.Parents will resonate with Melanie’s anecdotes of finding her own voice and her conscious efforts to parent with empathy and openness. Creating an emotionally healthy environment in which parents can communicate openly with their teens lays the groundwork for trust, ensuring a better life for generations to come.In the Episode…Melanie shares more invaluable wisdom throughout the conversation. On top of the discussed themes, we also talk about:How to equip teens for life's hardshipsAddressing teenage drinking attitudesResponding to difficult parental relationshipsTransforming personal struggles into life lessonsCheck out Melanie's latest book Here Be Dragons, and follow her on Instagram @MelanieShankle for more updates. If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to subscribe and share with others who might benefit from these powerful stories and lessons.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.
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Ep 325: Self-Hate in Teenagers is Dangerous
Blaise Aguirre, author of I Hate Myself, joins us to discuss the pervasive issue of self-hatred among teenagers, explore the role of comparison and perfectionism in self-criticism, and highlight the benefits of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full Show NotesFor many parents, watching their teen grapple with self-critical thoughts can be heartbreaking. It's a common refrain to hear kids say, "I'm so stupid," or "I can never do anything right." When these thoughts persist, they can become ingrained, leading to deep-seated self-hatred. Addressing these feelings early can prevent them from becoming a dominant force in a teenager's life. But how can parents help their teens escape this negative mindset and view themselves with compassion and understanding?Understanding and dismantling self-loathing in teens is critical. Today's guest, Dr. Blaise Aguirre, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of the new book, I Hate Myself, provides invaluable insight into this pervasive issue. Dr. Aguirre is renowned for his work at McLean Hospital, where he has developed programs for teens with self-destructive behaviors and suicidal tendencies, utilizing Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help manage these complex emotions.In the episode, Dr. Aguirre explains that self-hatred is often a deeply internalized perception of oneself, not merely occasional self-criticism. This profound dislike integrates into a teen's core identity, creating a permanent, immutable sense of worthlessness that shadows them constantly. He discusses how identifying self-hatred requires more than just taking a teen's words at face value, particularly when they respond with "I'm fine." Instead, parents and caregivers must look for deeper signs: perfectionism, people-pleasing behavior, and excessive self-criticism.The Role of DBT in Combating Self-HateDr. Aguirre introduces us to the principles of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a method combining Zen mindfulness and behavioral therapy. DBT aims to help teens manage emotions, develop coping skills, and foster a sense of self-worth. This therapeutic approach has been incredibly effective in reducing suicidal behavior, by first accepting where a teen is emotionally and then helping them build skills to navigate through these challenging feelings.In particular, Dr. Aguirre highlights how DBT can dismantle the illusion that self-hatred is a permanent trait. Through mindfulness and practice, teens can learn to see themselves not as inherently flawed, but as individuals capable of change and value. This transformation is pivotal in helping them move past beliefs tied to early childhood experiences that fostered their negative perceptions.The Danger of ComparisonsWhile guiding teens towards self-acceptance, avoiding comparisons is crucial. Dr. Aguirre emphasizes how societal and familial pressures can exacerbate self-hatred, especially when teens are pushed to measure themselves against siblings or peers. Instead of uplifting, these comparisons can anchor teens to unrealistic standards of perfection that intensify their dissatisfaction and critical self-view.Dr. Aguirre suggests that parents reframe comparisons. Allowing teens to measure their growth against themselves—focusing on becoming more self-compassionate and less reliant on external validation—can break the cycle of detrimental comparisons and encourage personal development.In the Episode…In our conversation with Blaise Aguirre, we dissect the nuances of self-hatred among teens and explore various ways to combat it. Tune in to gain insights on:How perfectionism relates to self-hatredThe importance of listening and validation in communicationDeveloping a new framework for self-compassionPractical steps for creating a supportive home environmentFor parents and caregivers, learning about and addressing self-hate in teens is essential for fostering healthier developmental outcomes. If you enjoyed this episode, consider exploring more from Dr. Blaise Aguirre and understanding how his work at McLean Hospital continues to impact young lives. Listen and subscribe to stay informed and empowered in supporting your teen.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.
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