Breaker Whiskey

• 266 - Two Hundred Sixty Six

  Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen.If you'd like to support the show, please visit atypicalartists.co/support.If you'd like to send Whiskey a message, click here.--[TRANSCRIPT]Hi, Scarlet. God, this is trippy. I guess I'm talking to Red, too, because. Well, I don't know what you all can hear of what I'm hearing, but, Red, if you can hear me. A person? Well, a person that sounded just like you reached out and says their name is Scarlet, or that's a pseudonym that they chose because of you. Well, now I don't know who I'm talking to. Two different versions of the same person speaking to me from two distinct universes. Both universes sound tough. And lonely. But universes in which the two of you have taken very different paths, had very different lives and experiences. I think about her all the time. The other me. Well, all of the other me's. What are they doing? What lives are they living? In how many universes are they already dead? In how many universes are there accompanying Harry's keeping all of those Whiskey's company. In how many universes are those Harry's driving all of those Whiskeys completely insane and vice versa? I shouldn't say that. Things have been a little better lately. The arguments fewer and farther between, but...I don't know. Now we're at the point where things are just aimless. We settled into a rhythm. For a while there, you know, in Pennsylvania. And then obviously the year I was gone...well. That was aimless in its own way, but the driving without a destination in mind was kind of the point. But I don't- I don't think we're ready to settle back down. But we need to do something. We can't just keep moving from place to place without any destination in mind or without any purpose. Harry really needs a purpose and we've gotten good at the staying alive bit that that's not going to keep her occupied for long. I'm not going to keep her occupied for long, I- How do you keep a brain active when you only hear one voice? Scarlet, you said that you've only been hearing your own voice for the last seven years, and I can't even imagine what that's like. Just having Harry to talk to - just one other person to talk to - it's not that we've...I haven't gotten sick of her. I worry sometimes that I'm not interesting enough for her, but. I don't know. Even with what we are to each other now, with what we're trying to be to each other, that hunger to find more people...it's still there. I think she feels it too. She doesn't want to admit it because she doesn't want to admit that she spent seven years cooped up in that house with me, begging me not to leave for nothing, but... We can't change the past as much as we might want to. And there's no way of knowing who else might be out there. I'm really glad, Scarlet, to have broken the silence for you, to have brought color into the life of your counterpart and I don't know, maybe brightened some other sense of some other you somewhere, but is that enough? Don't you want to find someone? Have you tried looking--? Sorry. Bad choice of words. I just mean...are you certain that you're alone? Because we weren't. Junior and Donnie have been out there this whole time and...I've tried- I've tried reaching out to Birdie again. I even called out for Fox a few times. You may have heard it. I don't know, but having some kind of guidance, having some kind of direction to go in, it was...well, it was really frustrating, but it was also helpful. And Birdie, they said something had changed, that they couldn't see the path clearly any more, that the timeline we were in was different than the timeline we started in and I-- Nothing's different. Nothing is different and I don't know if I'm terrified of finding out what's changed or if I'm dying to know. What would you do, Scarlet? If you could change your world, press a button saying that things would be different, but you didn't know in which direction, would you do it? Or would you choose to keep things the same even if it's not quite enough? It's still safe. Would that be better?See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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  6:45
• From Scarlet (Listener Message)

  Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit atypicalartists.co/support.If you'd like to send Whiskey a message, click here. --[TRANSCRIPT]Hello, Whiskey. My voice might sound somewhat familiar. And I suppose it is, but at the same time… it really isn’t. You received a message from someone calling themselves ‘Red’, and that’s… there’s no other way to say it, but that’s MY voice. I would know it anywhere. It’s all I’ve heard for these past seven years, except for your transmissions, and the occasional stray advert on the airwaves. And when I first heard it, I honestly thought I was going crazy. Thought maybe I’d sent a transmission without even realizing it. It… wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. I mean I do talk to myself, so that’s probably a sign of something, right? But then… this… Red, this other version of me, she started talking about white walls, and painting them, and colour, and rainbows, and that… Well, that made it clear that it wasn’t me. Not unless I’d gone completely crazy. See… (laughs) ’See’… I’ve never seen the walls in this place. I’ve never seen the walls in any place. I don’t know what shade of green money is. I don’t know what the sun looks like. I can tell you what the heat of it feels like on my skin, or the smell of a five-dollar bill, and I know every single bump and dent and bit of texture on the walls of my home… but I’ve never seen them. I’ve never seen any of them. I’ve been blind my entire life. Or… at least as long as I can remember. I won’t get into the… medical details, it’s not like I was in a position to understand them at the time. An infection, a bad fever, that’s all I really know. I certainly don’t envy my parents for what they went through, let’s just put it that way. So… you couldn’t bring colour back into my life, though I appreciate the sentiment. There’s just never been any there to begin with. I know some people do get lucky – such as that luck is - get to see shapes, or shadows, or pinholes of vision… I wasn’t lucky, I guess. Story of my life. But I am lucky to be here, I suppose. Beats the alternative. And wherever Red is, it sounds like she’s somewhere similar. And… probably pretty lonely. I know that feeling well. The… desolation, the hopelessness. The silence. So… thank you for breaking the silence, at least, Whiskey. I’m very grateful for that. And Red… if you’re out there, somewhere, able to hear this… I don’t even know how you would reach out, or how I would hear it, or if that would… destroy time and space or something, but just… I’m here. I’m here if you need someone. I’ve… become very well-versed in talking to myself. You’re… you used a pseudonym for a reason, and I suppose I should follow suit. Don’t want them tracking me down, after all of this. So… if anyone wants to reach out, whether it’s Whiskey, or Red, or… some other alternate version of me… you can call me Scarlet.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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  3:10
• 265 - Two Hundred Sixty Five

  Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit atypicalartists.co/support. If you'd like to send Whiskey a message, click here. -- [TRANSCRIPT] Breaker, breaker. This is Whiskey calling out to our dog attack victim.  Um, I hope you're okay. I'm sorry that happened. I'm glad that you're already on the journey to heal. And I do wish you a lot of luck. I want to say, I think it's amazing that that was your reaction. To want to turn around and pet the head the bit you. I 've always loved dogs, but at the end of the day, they are just animals that live in our homes. And you're right, what good is a world without them? But...sure, we domesticated dogs over millennia, but they still have sharp teeth. They still have an instinct that I'm not sure it can be entirely bred out. And I'm sorry that you were a victim of that.  I would love a dog to curl up with. To take care of. And to understand myself a little bit more, because sometimes I feel a little bit like that. Like there's something in me that can't be bred out, can't be trained out. That when cornered, I'm just a thing with sharp teeth.  [click, static] Harry would be the first to tell you that I bite. She's not talking to me at the moment, and for good reason. Um...that snarling, rabid snap of teeth that has always perched just beneath my soft palate came out the other day, and...well, she was in range.  [click, static] It was after...well, I was having another one of those dark days. Thinking about Don, just swallowed in grief and guilt. And she wasn't- she wasn't being a pill about it or anything, but she wasn't exactly being comforting and...not that I expect that from her. She's never been great at that. But I think I just needed her to mostly leave me alone if she wasn't going to be comforting. And she wouldn't. And I snapped.  I just...I told her it was her fault. It was her fault that I left and found him in the first place. It was her fault that I wasn't there when it happened. And it was her fault that we're in this situation to begin with. Even though I know- I know that it's technically literally the fault of my actions. But still she set us on the path. And that's-  [click, static] I'm worried that we're never going to stop having this argument. And that's...you know, in the very foundation of our relationship is having the same argument over and over again, but we've gotten better at it. You know, we've gotten better at fighting with each other. We can hurt more precisely now. Cut deeper with fewer slashes and it's...I wasn't nice about it and she's right to not be talking to me because she lost him, too and we both took actions to protect one another that led us to where we are now, so there's no point in placing blame for Don's death at anyone else's feet other than Junior's.  It's his fault. He's the one who did it. But we can't confront him. We can't jail him. We certainly can't kill him. And so we're left with only each other to sling arrows at.  [click, static] And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of. Lashing out when I feel cornered. I'm tired of caring about the blame. I'm tired of wanting to try and fix what can't be fixed. But I don't know how to stop any of it. I don't know how to train myself out of those animalistic impulses to tear out someone's throat. And part of me wonders if I did it, if I succeeded and was able to change that part of me so fundamentally, would there be enough of me in what was left? Is a dog still a dog if you remove all of its teeth?See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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  5:20
• From Carlie (Listener Message)

  Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit atypicalartists.co/support. If you'd like to send Whiskey a message, click here. -- [TRANSCRIPT] Another message from another person out there in the black. You said: I thought it was so sad that you only saw one dog on you journey. What good is a world without dogs? Then last weekend I was shocked and heartbroken by being attacked by a large dog that the owner had said was friendly and loved everyone (owner is shocked and heartbroken,  too). So now I'm on a journey to heal, trust, and learn more about that which I thought I loved...just like Whiskey. It'll be a somewhat lonely journey, like hers, and filled with ALL of the emotions. I'm hoping it ends with belly rubs, chewed furniture legs, piddle accidents, full vacuum tanks, five am wake-ups,  and an unshakable bond. Wish me luck.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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  0:52
• 264 - Two Hundred Sixty Four

  Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit atypicalartists.co/support. If you'd like to send Whiskey a message, click here. -- [TRANSCRIPT] Breaker, breaker, this is Whiskey calling out for Herm. Hi, Herm. It's good to meet you. Good to hear from you. Good to hear from anyone, really. We've left the place that we were--coming down the mountain--and we've been moving around a little. So I haven't been on the radio as much as I would like. I'm also a little unsure how far my radio is reaching. I had the benefit of all of Birdie's equipment up on the mountain. And now, I mean, I think I think I was able to jerry rig something that will work pretty much like Birdie's set up worked, but I don't actually know for certain.  I'm hoping...I'm hoping we can go back in the spring, but it was just...it would have been dangerous, foolish to stay up there throughout the winter. I mean, it was freezing by the time we left. But anyway, Herm, your timeline. Sounds interesting, this fresh start that you're describing, the fact that you're with people but they don't know who you are. They don't know that you've flipped into a different version of the world. Color me intrigued.  Is this how all of you have felt whenever I've alluded to something without actually giving much information about it? It's interesting and also frustrating to have just some of the information. I think--I think you're probably right. That I wouldn't have shared the information that I shared if I weren't in the circumstance that I'm in. But I don't regret it. Not just because it allowed me to say a bunch of stuff to Harry that I don't think I would have been able to say to her face and...to maybe say some things to...to Billings' son. If he was listening. If any of that means anything.  It's not just the freedom of getting to speak to people that I know or people that I have something to say to specifically. I don't regret it because there's something freeing about all of it. There's something to be said for having this audio diary of my life of the past year and change of everything that I've been through. And there's something nice about people reaching out their voices to me as if they were already friends. The fact that I can mean anything to anybody, any stranger is...I mean...humbling. Just like you're experiencing. And it's surreal, but it makes it easier. It makes living in this big, empty world easier.  Hearing from...from all of you. Some of you are like me. You're alone where you are. But a lot of you-- you're in the timelines that I guess are a bit closer to the one that you left. And I wonder if there are other people out there who don't even realize that they've slipped into a different timeline? I don't know which would be worse, right? I don't know if those people feel that something is off, that something isn't quite right. If it's like the feeling of worrying that you left your stove on, but not being able to go back and check. I don't know if I could live with that feeling every day in my life. Is it better to live in a world where I so obviously don't belong? Because. At least I know it.  It must be lonely being the only person who knows that you're in a different place. I mean, that's what I'm assuming, based on what you said, but. Yeah. It must be lonely, especially if you have friends, but they're not the ones that you chose.  I like your cats' names. Mimzi and JubJub are very good names for cats. I never read the Jabberwocky, but that's an Alice in Wonderland thing, right? Lewis Carroll. I think Harry would understand you, though, wanting to have your books. But it's funny. I never really gave much thought these last seven years about who I wish I'd been stuck with. I guess because as much as it was agony so much of the time, I was with the person that I would have chosen.  I don't...I haven't told her that. You know? I mean, things have been things have been good and getting better all the time, but. There's still that sense that while we're the only two people on Earth, I mean, not actually, but in every way that counts, we're the only two people on earth. So. It's good that we can tolerate each other. It's good that we can express these emotions that we have for each other now, but...I don't know if acknowledging that and being what we are now, I don't I don't know if that counts as telling her that I would have chosen her anyway. That even if we were back in Manhattan, in the life we used to live, I still would have chosen her.  I think she knows. She's stopped listening to my transmissions, mostly because she's, you know, near me when I make them. And we only have so many radios traveling with us. It was different back on the mountain, but I should probably tell her, right? It's nice to get to say these things first to you. To have you know me in this way, even though I barely know you. I still-- I like having these things just be mine. Just be ours.  So, thank you, Herm. For saying that I mean a lot to you. And you haven't been intrusive. I have been putting my diary out for the whole world to hear. So, you know, don't worry about it. You're not violating any kind of privacy line. And I'm not sure that there's a point in comparing the experiences. You're allowed to complain however much you want to complain, and if it makes you feel like a child, then I say embrace that. I haven't felt like a child in so long. And. I don't know. Maybe...maybe that'll be a goal of mine. To feel more like a child. All right, Herm. Um. Thanks for...thanks for reaching out. For letting me matter to yo. And you mentioned missing someone. I think Arthur maybe was the name, and I just-- I hope you find them. Whiskey out.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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  8:30

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