Do you find talking to strangers a challenge?
You're not alone.
Researchers at the University of Chicago put commuters on trains and buses and asked some of them to strike up a conversation with the stranger next to them. The ones who did reported significantly happier journeys, every single time. And yet when they asked a separate group beforehand whether they’d enjoy it, almost everyone said no. They predicted feeling awkward or unwanted. They were wrong, but the fear was so convincing, they believed it anyway.
And yet, for the sake of your health and sanity, you need to find a way to overcome that fear of striking up a conversation and building rapport - connecting - with anyone.
One in six people worldwide is now affected by loneliness. Around 100 deaths happen every hour as a result. The WHO has declared social connection a public health crisis on a par with obesity and smoking. And yet 75% of us say nothing replaces human connection. We have more ways to reach each other than any generation that has ever lived and we are lonelier than ever.
In this episode, hosts Sarah Wright and Dr Victoria Stakelum are joined by Anitra Irrera - BBC Radio Kent broadcast journalist, reporter and producer - to explore the art and science of rapport: what it actually is, why we find it so terrifying, and what it takes to build genuine connection with a complete stranger. Anitra has spent her career doing the thing most of us dread - walking up to people she has never met and getting them to open up, whether that’s a grieving family, a hostile politician, or a reluctant celebrity who clearly doesn’t want to be there.
This episode covers the neuroscience of eye contact, smiling, and mirror neurons; why mirroring someone’s energy and pace builds instant trust (and why this is both a teaching tool in NLP and, some would argue, a dark art); how the fear of rejection is wired into us at a survival level, and how to override it; the Norwegian approach to directness and what the British can learn from it; why digital connection is not the same as the real thing neurologically; and the single most powerful thing you can do to build rapport with anyone, anywhere. Spoiler alert - it involves swearing but not in the way you might think.
If you’ve ever found yourself staring at your phone to avoid making eye contact on the tube, this one’s for you. Because every person you’ve ever loved was once a stranger. Every single one.
Guest
Anitra Irrera - BBC Radio Kent broadcast journalist, reporter and producer. Originally from Bergen in Norway, Anitra holds a degree in Psychology and Anthropology and has spent her career building rapport under pressure: from music interviews to political reporting to live broadcasting. She is also a teacher.
Contact
Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email:
[email protected].
References
Research mentioned in this episode
University of Chicago commuter study - Epley & Schroeder (2014), ‘Mistakenly seeking solitude’, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General
WHO report on loneliness as a global public health priority (2023)
Mirror neurons and social connection - Rizzolatti & Craighero (2004), Annual Review of Neuroscience
NLP and rapport
NLP World — introduction to matching, mirroring and rapport – https://www.nlpworld.co.uk
Psychology Today — The Science of Rapport – https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/rapport
The 100 days of rejection experiment
Jia Jiang – ‘Rejection Proof’ TED Talk https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection
Loneliness and social connection
WHO — Social isolation and loneliness – https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/promotion-prevention/social-connection
Campaign to End Loneliness (UK) – https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org
UK