From Perfectionism to Progress: Understanding the deep roots of perfectionism and how to break free
Hello and welcome to another episode of The Liberated Woman podcast.
Before we get into it I cordially invite you to join me in laying the foundation for a 2025 that feels GOOD at my "Dream Big, Plan Smart: Ultimate 2025 planning workshop on 28th December 2024. Details here, be quick for the mega earlybird! Click here [LINK]
Today I'm exploring a topic that shows up for so many women, especially high-achieving, ambitious women who feel the pull toward growth and transformation. Today, I am exploring the deep roots of perfectionism, what drives it, why it’s so persistent, and how it affects us not only mentally but also physically and emotionally.
Perfectionism is a theme that I encounter constantly in my work, whether it’s within my membership community, my group coaching programmes, or my 1-2-1 client sessions. For many of us, the need to get things ‘just right’ can be a significant block, preventing us from reaching our true potential. Perfectionism holds us back, not just in the pursuit of our goals but in our ability to live authentically and experience real freedom.
In this episode, we’ll look at perfectionism not as a simple personality trait but as a coping mechanism, something deeply embedded in our psychology, our somatic experience, and even our neurobiology. I’ll share insights from my background in social work, my training in somatic coaching, and my passion for Polyvagal Theory to help illuminate the patterns behind perfectionism. We’ll also consider how societal conditioning, systemic pressures, and our own survival instincts make us feel that if we’re not perfect, we’re not enough.
As an intersectional feminist and advocate for women’s empowerment, I’m passionate about helping us break free from these patterns and reclaim our power.
Key discussion points:
What perfectionism really is:
Perfectionism is often viewed as a personality trait, but it goes much deeper. At its core, it’s a coping mechanism that protects us from feeling vulnerable or judged. It can even become a state of survival, where the nervous system adapts to high alert as a new “normal.” As I discuss, this survival mode can morph into a permanent state, affecting how we experience the world and navigate challenges.
The neurobiology and somatic impact of perfectionism:
Using insights from Polyvagal Theory, I explain how our nervous system influences our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Chronic perfectionism often means we are stuck in a cycle of fight, flight, or freeze, which can drain our energy and lead to exhaustion. When we’re in this state, our brains interpret even minor mistakes as threats to our safety, making the pursuit of “perfect” feel essential for survival. I discuss research showing how chronic anxiety impacts the body, keeping us in a hyper-alert state and creating symptoms that go far beyond mental strain.
Perfectionism, shame, and self-compassion:
Drawing on the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, we explore the connection between perfectionism and shame. Perfectionism often traps us in a cycle of feeling ‘not enough,’ where every mistake seems like a declaration of failure or inadequacy. Dr. Neff’s research on self-compassion offers an alternative to this harmful cycle, helping us see our worth beyond our achievements and freeing us from the armour of perfectionism.
Perfectionism as an ‘addiction’ to control:
Drawing from the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, I examine how perfectionism can resemble an addiction. It serves as a way to soothe stress and discomfort, but in reality, it keeps us stuck in a state of control that is ultimately limiting. Society teaches us to avoid discomfort and to ‘think positive,’ which can prevent us from developing the resilience to manage difficult emotions. As Dr. Maté explains, addiction is often a response to suffering, and perfectionism can function in much the same way.
Client Story:
I share the journey of a client who came to me wanting to expand her business but felt paralysed by perfectionism. In our work together, she realised that perfection was an illusion and began to embrace a more authentic, bold version of herself. She went from “Sandy at the start of Grease” to her true “Rizzo” self, taking meaningful action, embracing her strengths and imperfections, and experiencing significant growth in her business and personal life.
I’m challenging you to look beyond the surface and understand perfectionism at a deeper level, to see it not as ‘just the way I am’ but as something we can understand, unlearn, and replace with patterns that serve our growth and liberation.
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