Avoiding My Anxiously Attached Boyfriend

In this episode, we’re joined by therapist Dhiren Doshi-Smith for an honest conversation about therapy, queer identity, race, culture, sex and the shame so many gay men carry without even realising it. Dhiren specialises in working with queer, neurodiverse people of colour and explains why traditional approaches to therapy don’t always account for people whose identities are shaped by family, religion, culture and community.

We get into the idea of decolonising therapy, why setting boundaries can look completely different when you come from a collectivist culture and the loneliness that can come from feeling othered by your family, wider society and even within queer spaces.

We also have a frank conversation about gay sex and why Dhiren believes it needs to have a place in the therapy room. From the shame around bottoming and the idea that being a bottom makes someone less masculine, to racial stereotypes around who is expected to top or bottom, we explore how misogyny, internalised homophobia and cultural expectations can shape the way gay men understand their own sexuality. 

Dhiren opens up about his own journey as a queer Indian man, balancing a culture he deeply loves with a sexuality that hasn’t always felt accepted within it. 

From once carrying shame around being brown, queer and neurodiverse to appearing in a Pride in London campaign and becoming visibly, publicly gay, Dhiren shares how he reached a place where he can say he genuinely loves his queerness and why helping other queer people get there has become such an important part of his work.

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In this episode, we’re joined by Saad Zain for an honest and at times provocative conversation about growing up gay across Pakistan, Kazakhstan, Dubai and London and what queer life can really look like in cultures where sexuality is rarely spoken about openly.

Saad opens up about knowing he was gay from an early age, growing up surrounded by shame around his sexuality and why he believes there’s a huge difference between what happens behind closed doors and what people are willing to accept publicly. We get into his now infamous claim that “everyone in Pakistan is gay”, the contradictions around gay sex and masculinity across Pakistan and the Middle East and the darker reality behind practices like Bacha Bazi and dancing boys.

We also explore Pakistan’s complicated relationship with gender and sexuality, including the history and visibility of the Khwaja Sara community and the impact British colonial rule had on attitudes towards gender diversity. Saad reflects on growing up gay in Kazakhstan, sneaking into gay clubs at just 13 and later navigating a London gay scene where he says being openly gay once felt like a “white privilege”.

From racism and fetishisation in gay spaces to feeling pressure to assimilate, reconnecting with his Pakistani identity and questioning how inclusive queer spaces really are, Saad shares how his relationship with both his culture and sexuality has changed as he’s got older.

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In this episode, we’re joined by Tyrell Trey for an honest conversation about modelling, sexuality, mixed-race identity, music, dating and the long process of figuring out who you actually are when you’ve spent years becoming what other people expect from you.

Tyrell opens up about entering the modelling industry at just 16, going from feeling like the “ugly” kid growing up in a predominantly white area to being signed, modelling in Milan and suddenly having his appearance become his career.

We then get into sexuality and identity. Tyrell talks about growing up mixed-race and gay, learning to become a “chameleon” depending on the space he was in and why being perceived as masculine or “straight passing” comes with its own expectations.

Music has become a way for Tyrell to move away from those expectations and back towards himself. He takes us inside his writing process, explains how he uses phonetic singing to find melodies before lyrics and talks about finally releasing music that’s been sitting unheard for years, alongside what’s coming next.

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In this episode, we're joined by Andrew Akuruka, author of The Gay Blueprint, for an honest and at times challenging conversation about gay identity, masculinity, race, sex and the expectations we place on ourselves and each other.

Andrew opens up about knowing he was gay from a young age, but only coming out to his Nigerian mum decades later. He reflects on growing up around religion, fearing that his mum’s love might be conditional and the unexpectedly emotional moment that followed when he finally told her he was gay.

We also unpack Andrew’s complicated relationship with masculinity and what it means to be both Black and gay. From feeling like he didn't fit traditional stereotypes of gay men, to questioning whether he was performing masculinity to protect himself, Andrew explains how becoming a father and confronting his own ideas around gender helped him start unlearning some of those expectations.

The conversation then turns to dating and fetishisation within the gay community. Andrew talks about being desired as a masculine Black man, the stereotypes attached to Black men sexually and the moment he realised there was a difference between being wanted and actually being known.

Finally, things get a little more heated as we debate hookup culture, sex positivity, self-love, accountability and whether the gay community needs to rethink some of the behaviours we've normalised. 

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After months of back-to-back guests, we're finally back with a solo episode... and there's a lot to catch up on.

From sneaking into Tyla's exclusive A*POP listening party in London and sharing our first impressions of her new album, to debating Beyoncé, Jay-Z and celebrity culture.

We also dive into one of the biggest debates in the LGBTQ+ community: is there really a "top shortage", or are gay men simply conditioned to associate masculinity with attraction? We unpack why DL men are so desired, the stereotypes surrounding tops and bottoms, masculinity, femininity, Heartstopper, queer identity and the expectations placed on gay men.

Whether you're here for Tyla, LGBTQ+ culture, queer dating, pop culture, masculinity, Heartstopper or simply a chaotic catch-up with us, we hope you enjoy this episode.

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