“For most of our lives, women have been told that if we look a certain way and behave a certain way, the world will unfold for us. Only to reach midlife and find that, for most of us, it isn’t true, and the booby prize is that apparently we now have to spend yet more time and money obsessing about how to claw our way back to a place of acceptance that never existed.”
In this episode I speak to Poorna Bell — award-winning journalist, author, and former UK executive editor for HuffPost — to talk about her new book She Wanted More, the cultural shift happening among women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, and why the conversation around midlife needs to change.
Poorna describes the atmosphere before her 40th birthday as apocalyptic, with friends talking about it like the end of the world, and society treating 40 as a cliff edge. Surprisingly, to her, the world didn't end. In fact, things got better. Over the five years since, she's watched her life move on an upwards trajectory, something society never told her was possible. She Wanted More is her response to that gap between what women are told about midlife and what actually happens when you're in it.
Poorna noticed women all around her in their 40s, 50s, and 60s making fundamentally different choices than previous generations. Whether that was questioning relationships, redefining career success, opting out of motherhood, or choosing to remain single after divorce. The traditional markers of success (money, power, nuclear family structures) are being interrogated. Women are asking: What do I actually want? What is purpose for me?
This isn't a book prescribing one way to live. It's about creating agency — doing an inventory of your life and asking yourself: What do I need to feel power and intention in my own life?
Poorna advocates for reclaiming the word ‘climacteric’ because it better captures the magnitude of what's happening in the menopause transition. It sounds dramatic because it is dramatic.
She describes her own symptoms as "giant stingrays carrying dread, despair, and fear" — a visceral image that will resonate with anyone who's experienced perimenopausal anxiety and that pervasive sense of doom.
Poorna surveyed around 1,000 women for the book, and one surprising finding was the fear younger women now have about perimenopause. Media coverage has skewed heavily negative, and many women in their 20s and 30s are genuinely terrified. Poorna's response? We need balance. Yes, some women have brutal experiences. But many don't. The goal isn't to sugarcoat it or pretend it's all wonderful, but to give women the full picture so they can prepare without catastrophizing.
Poorna quotes Ashley Kelch in the book: "The most disruptive act in midlife isn't leaving your job or your relationship. It's leaving behind the version of yourself that you created in order to survive."
For Poorna, that meant shedding the version of herself that was palatable, agreeable, and constantly performing. She describes younger Poorna as someone who would say yes to everything, who prioritized being liked over being authentic. Midlife gave her permission to stop. She's learned to listen to her body's signals, to say no without guilt, to recognize when she simply doesn't have the spoons for something, and to honour that without shame.
The global anti-aging market is set to be worth $80 billion in four years. Poorna calls it "the same shit, repackaged" — a relentless marketing machine selling women the idea that looking young is the only way to remain valuable. And yet, when she asked the women she surveyed what getting older meant to them, not one mentioned looks. They talked about freedom, contentment, peacefulness, having options.
So how do we opt out of this pressure? Poorna's advice: stop engaging with the narratives that don't serve you. Unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate. Surround yourself with images and stories of women who are thriving in midlife on their own terms. Representation matters — and we have more control over our media diet than we think.
One of the most moving parts of the book is Poorna's conversation with her own mother about her early life before becoming a mother. Her mother had a place at university. Everything was paid for. But her grandfather wouldn't let her go because it would have meant living with a family he didn't approve of. Later, when her mother's employer suggested she take auditor exams, her father dismissed it: "You're going back to India to get married soon, so there's no point."
Listening to her mother recount this, Poorna felt rage. She could see the brightness, the potential, the intelligence — and the loss of what could have been. That conversation made Poorna softer and more compassionate with her mother. She now asks anyone whose mother is still around: have that conversation. Ask about their life before you were on the scene. Their answers won't be defensive because they're not connected to you as a person — they're just telling you their story. It's precious.
Key Takeaways:
Midlife isn't a cliff edge. Society lies. Your 40s, 50s, and 60s can be an upwards trajectory if you let them be.
Question the definitions of success you've inherited. Money and power aren't the only measures. What does success mean to you?
Let go of the version of yourself you created to survive. Midlife is permission to stop performing and start being.
Listen to your body's signals. If you don't have the spoons, you don't have the spoons. Honour that.
Opt out of anti-aging narratives that don't serve you. Curate your media diet. Surround yourself with images of women thriving in midlife.
Talk to your mother about her early life. If she's still around and you have a relationship with her, ask about who she was before you existed. You'll learn something profound.
Instagram, Threads, and TikTok: @poornabell
She Wanted More https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/she-wanted-more-reimagine-your-future-and-live-by-your-rules-poorna-bell/2eea99431a408200?ean=9781785122835&next=t&next=t&affiliate=11357
Also check out her previous book Stronger — pairs beautifully with this one
Ways to work & connect with me:
Coaching 1-1 http://www.thetripleshift.org
Menopause in the workplace support at www.managingthemenopause.com
Subscribe to my newsletter at https://middlingalong.substack.com/
Connect with me at https://www.linkedin.com/in/emmacthomas/
UK