At Peace Parents Podcast

In this episode, I coach Danielle, a mom from North Idaho who is newer to the PDA lens and has already been making progress with her almost nine-year-old son — but is running into resistance from her husband and her parents, who help with caregiving. Her son has existing diagnoses of ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and disorganized attachment, and was adopted from South Korea. Since discovering PDA a few months ago, Danielle says everything clicked in a way that previous frameworks hadn't.
Her question: how do you get the other adults in your child's life on board — and how do you trust yourself — when the people around you see things through a lens of disrespect and shame?
We talk through why PDA is so hard for other adults to believe, especially because of masking and the fact that the child's most intense behaviors tend to happen with the safest person in the home. I walk Danielle through the PLATO framework for making nonviolent communication requests — specifically, how to make a concrete, bounded request of her parents and husband without needing them to believe in PDA at all. We also talk about how to track three observable indicators — connection, nervous system activation, and access to basic needs — so that the approach becomes an experiment with data rather than a philosophical debate.
Danielle also shares a moment where her son described what it feels like in his body when he's activated: "like a big animal trapped in a small cage, and all I can do is fight to get out." And she shares that he has already started using the language of regulation and dysregulation on his own.

Key Takeaways
Why the primary caregiver is usually leading the charge [00:02:02] I normalize the pattern Danielle is describing — where the primary caregiver, usually the woman in the home, is leading the charge on PDA because she feels the nervous system cost of demands and boundaries viscerally, while other adults don't have the same day-to-day experience.
Why PDA is so hard for other adults to believe [00:08:31] I explain why PDA is especially hard for other adults to get on board with: because of masking, the child may appear fine or even well-attached in settings outside the home, which leads observers to conclude that the parent is a pushover — rather than recognizing that the child is internalizing the threat response and that activation is still accumulating.
Using the PLATO framework with grandparents [00:17:04] I walk Danielle through the PLATO framework (Person, Location, Action, Timing, Object) for making a nonviolent communication request to her parents — specifically, asking them not to step in when her son says rude things at the dinner table. I explain that the request doesn't require them to believe in PDA; it only asks whether they're willing to try something for a bounded period of time.
Turning a skeptical spouse into an experiment partner [00:34:52] I discuss how to approach Danielle's husband, who has been resistant and told her to stop "putting labels" on their son's behavior. I suggest framing it as a two-week experiment: asking him to view the behavior through the PDA lens and track three observable indicators — connection, nervous system activation, and access to basic needs — so the conversation is grounded in data rather than diagnosis.
A child names his own threat response [00:50:26] Danielle shares that her son has already begun using the language of dysregulation and regulation on his own — and that when she asked him what it feels like in his body when he gets upset, he told her: "It feels like I'm a big animal trapped in a small cage, and all I can do is fight to get out."

In this episode, I coach Pam, a mom from Vancouver Island, British Columbia, who has 10-year-old fraternal twin boys — both PDA and autistic, one also with ADHD — plus a younger neurotypical child. Pam's family has been working within the PDA framework for four to five years, recently moved to access a better school, and has found meaningful stability — but Pam is wrestling with a question that so many parents in this community know well: what does socialization look like for a PDA child, and how do I help my son build connections outside the house when his nervous system makes it so hard?
We dig into the differences between her two boys — one who masks well and is more capable socially but has recently been struggling more, and one who visibly wants connection but whose nervous system seems to disable him from accessing it. We talk about the role of the twin dynamic in cumulative nervous system activation, what it looks like to use equality accommodations intentionally — including what I call "therapeutic equalizing" — and why Pam might consider deconstructing what social connection can look like for each boy individually.
We also spend real time on the harder, more personal territory: the razor's edge between radical acceptance and belief in growth, sitting with the pain of watching your kids struggle, what it means to track the right indicators of progress (nervous system activation, access to basic needs, connection with safe people), and the grief that comes with having to let go of the life and identity you thought you'd have. Pam is thoughtful, honest, and deeply self-aware — and this conversation is one I think a lot of families will recognize themselves in.
Key Takeaways
The Twin Dynamic and Cumulative Activation | 00:08:00 Pam describes how her boys go to school on opposite days because they can't both be there at the same time — and how the twin dynamic itself creates a source of cumulative nervous system activation. When one twin is more dominant, the other may move into freeze or shutdown rather than fight or flight, still accumulating stress even without visible behavioral signs.
Deconstruct What Socialization Looks Like | 00:24:27 I suggest separating expectations for each twin individually. For Desmond, I raise the idea of thinking about socializing one or two steps below the cultural ideal — parallel play, connections through special interests, virtual parallel play, connections with animals, and strengthening family relationships — rather than holding the goal of reciprocal friendships as the primary measure.
"Therapeutic Equalizing" as a Starting Point | 00:30:12 I describe what I would want for Desmond if I had a "magic wand": an hour or two each day with someone who would follow his lead, allow him to correct and criticize during play, and respond with self-deprecating humor, silliness, and total acceptance — what I call therapeutic equalizing. I note this often has to start with the parent, and that it's hard and painful.
Tracking the Right Indicators of Progress | 00:36:30 Rather than measuring progress by academic success or friend count, I walk through the three indicators I use: nervous system activation, access to basic needs, and connection and engagement with safe people. I explain that as new demands are added back in — like a school or a move — some indicators may slow without meaning the child is going backward overall.
Radical Acceptance Doesn't Mean Accepting the Future | 00:39:46 I share two things that help me with radical acceptance: remembering it only applies to the present moment (not the future, which is still at play), and distinguishing between the pain itself and the story we layer on top of it. Pam and I also talk about the grief that comes from losing a former identity and what it means to find meaning within the constraints of this life.
Relevant Resources
Tracking Progress — Learn how to measure progress in a PDA child's nervous system.
Finding Meaning — For parents navigating grief and identity loss alongside PDA.
What Is PDA — A foundational overview of PDA as a nervous system disability.

In this episode I speak with Pam, a mother of twin PDA 10-year-olds and a third younger sibling.
Pam has been parenting through a PDA lens for years, but one of the twins is having a harder time than the other. We talked about ways to support him, as well as mindsets that can help Pam when she worries that progress is moving slowly, and feels grief.
These are experiences common to most if not all parents of PDAers, and I am sure her story will resonate with many listeners.
xo,
Casey
PS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

In this episode I speak with Christopher Deutsch, a PDA angel investor about his own life and the how some of the common traits of PDA can be beneficial to a career in entrepreneurialism.
I loved having this conversation, and hope you'll enjoy listening!
xo,
Casey
PS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.

In this episode I speak with a mom about her 17 year old PDA son's substance abuse, as well as his near constant presence in the family living room and the impact this has on their household.
We talk through the mother's preference for her son to be home and physically safe -- instead of out and in danger, as he has been in the past -- and the cost of this for her and their family.
We discuss all of this in the context of the son recently earning his GED and wanting to get a job. I hope you find the conversation helpful.
xo,
Casey
PS - New to PDA? You can take our free 6-minute quiz to learn how well your child or teen fits the profile.