Adulting with Autism

"What do you do?" can be a hard question for autistic people—especially when your whole life finally starts making sense after you find the right language.
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, Dr. Megan Anna Neff (clinical psychologist, educator, and creator of Neurodivergent Insights) shares her path into autism advocacy: near the end of her clinical psychology doctorate, one of her children was identified as autistic—and that sparked her deep dive into autism in girls and women. What she found changed everything, including how she understood herself—and how unprepared the mental health field often is to recognize autistic and ADHD adults.
We talk about what shifts when you finally have the language for autism/ADHD: burnout, sensory needs, shame, and self-expectations. Megan explains how taking sensory needs seriously can be a major first step in unmasking—and why it can reduce cumulative stress and burnout over time. She also challenges the modern self-care industry, reframing self-care as self-attunement, plus collective and interdependent care—not a product you buy to survive a system that's burning you out.
Megan breaks down the difference between "burnout" and autistic burnout, explains spoon theory (from the chronic illness community), and shares practical ways to budget energy—without ignoring the role of privilege and real-world constraints. We also discuss the complex emotional reality of late diagnosis: the liberation and the grief, the identity rebuilding, and why sensory awareness can feel like it gets worse before it gets better.
This episode is for anyone who's wondering "am I autistic, ADHD, or both?" and wants a gentle, realistic starting point that honors both strengths and struggles.
In this episode, we cover:
Dr. Megan Neff's "entry point" to autism: clinical training + child identified autistic + recognizing her own autism
Why so many autistic/ADHD adults were missed—and why this moment in time feels pivotal
Sensory needs and burnout: how disconnection/dissociation can be an adaptation
why fluorescent lights, grocery stores, and everyday environments can be costly
letting needs be "needs," not "weakness"

Self-care without pretending to be neurotypical: critiquing the self-care industry
the importance of collective care and interdependent care
"self-care starts with self-attunement" (checking in with what you need moment-to-moment)
interoception challenges (not noticing thirst/hunger until it's too late)

Why a card deck can be more executive-function-friendly than "read another book"
What's inside the Self-Care Activities for Autistic People deck (6 domains): Sensory (weight/pressure/movement/stim songs, sensory soothing)
Physical (hydration, blood sugar, movement supports)
Emotional
Mental (including identity-related reflection)
Social (cross-neurotype communication, rejection sensitivity, social stress)
Professional (workplace supports)

Autistic burnout vs "regular" burnout: autistic burnout often impacts basic life tasks and can be pervasive across domains
deeper brain fog + bigger dip in daily functioning

Spoon theory (origin in chronic illness advocacy) and what "spoons" mean as energy units
Energy budgeting in real life: the role of privilege/constraints (parenting, work demands, limited choice)
reducing sensory irritants as "quiet energy drains"
noticing internalized ableism + workaholism/type-A patterns

Late diagnosis and identity: liberation and "I'm not broken" moments
grief, revisiting old wounds, relationship shifts during unmasking
why awareness can feel worse before it feels better

Deconstructing shame: naming internalized ableism when it shows up
making room for grief without pathologizing yourself
unmasking privately when public unmasking isn't safe

Why community matters (especially online): belonging as an antidote to shame
hearing your story reflected in others

Gentle next steps if you suspect autism/ADHD: lived-experience podcasts/books
screeners as one data point (not a diagnosis)
considering whether formal diagnosis is helpful for you

Find Dr. Megan Anna Neff / Resources mentioned:
Neurodivergent Insights (website with free PDFs/articles + resources)
Instagram: Neurodivergent Insights (visual education/infographics)
YouTube: Neurodivergent Insights (educational videos)
Podcast: Divergent Conversations (co-hosted; includes unpacking autism/ADHD criteria through lived experience)
Book: Self-Care for Autistic People (major outlets)
Deck: Self-Care Activities for Autistic People (major outlets)

What does intimacy look like when you're autistic and/or ADHD—especially with sensory overwhelm, fast thoughts, rejection sensitivity, or trouble "reading the room"?
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, April sits down with Dr. Laura Jurgens (somatic sex and attachment specialist) to talk about body-based approaches to desire, arousal, consent, and connection—in a way that's practical, shame-aware, and neurodivergent-affirming.
Laura explains why many of us get stuck in our heads (hello, modern life), and why your nervous system state can determine whether desire is even available. You'll learn what a "desire gap" is (when partners want different amounts of sex), how it can create pressure and misunderstanding over time, and how to have honest conversations without blame, coercion, or "obligation sex."
You'll also hear why porn and media can give unrealistic expectations about arousal and timelines, what responsive desire is (and why it's more common than people think), and how to make consent feel connected and embodied instead of awkward or "checkbox" clinical.
In this episode, we cover:
Autism/ADHD traits in intimacy: sensory sensitivity, overwhelm, and distraction
Dopamine-seeking brains, intrusive thoughts, and getting out of your head and into your body
Desire gaps: what causes them and how to navigate them as a team
Spontaneous vs. responsive desire (and why it can change with age)
Shame, sex education gaps, and curiosity as an antidote
What real consent looks like—especially when mind-reading isn't your strength
A simple, low-pressure practice to reconnect with your body this week
Find Dr. Laura Jurgens: laurajurgens.com
Listen to Laura's podcast: Pleasure Uprising (Apple/Spotify)
Substack: laurajurgens.substack.com

Alena Candova is a nervous system and subconscious reprogramming practitioner and the author of Grace Over Grit. In this episode, Alena explains why so many of us get stuck trying to "think" or "discipline" our way into change—and why the deeper lever is learning how your nervous system drives thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
We break down what "regulation" actually feels like (clarity, possibility, groundedness) versus what happens when the body senses threat: fight/flight urgency, freeze shutdown/low energy, and fawn (appease/people-please) as protection. Alena shares early signs your nervous system doesn't feel safe, and why it's especially hard for many neurodivergent adults to notice what's happening internally—until it's already too much.
Alena's core message is the heart of Grace Over Grit: real change happens with grace, curiosity, and capacity, not pressure. We talk about practical daily regulation (even two minutes counts), experimenting with tools that fit your unique system, and why healing often looks messy—sometimes even worse before it feels better—because identity and "false safety" strategies are being rewritten.
In this episode, we cover:
What "Grace Over Grit" means (and why surface-level willpower fails)
The nervous system as the "driver" of behavior: regulation vs dysregulation
Fight/flight/freeze/fawn in everyday life (work stress, bills, overwhelm, shutdown)
Early signs your body doesn't feel safe (jaw, chest, gut, shoulders; urgency vs numbness)
Interoceptive awareness: how to start listening to your body without judgment
Daily regulation as a foundation (and why 2 minutes beats "nothing" every time)
Nutrition, sleep, and lifestyle as nervous-system supports
"Inner authority" and working with inner child survival energy with compassion
Limited spoons / freeze mode: gentle movement + "glimmers" and gratitude
What real progress looks like: faster recovery, more boundaries, fewer "yes, but…" moments
Healing expectations to drop: healing isn't linear and can feel messy
Find Alena / Book / Resources
Website: satvaintegralhealth.com (spelled with a double "T" in satva)
Best social platform: LinkedIn (linked on her site)
Book: Grace Over Grit (via Amazon link on her site)
Free nervous system guide: email [email protected]
She also has an AI concierge on her website for Q&A if you want to explore privately first.

Katharine Chestnut is a former corporate professional (30 years in corporate America) turned business owner and mindfulness teacher. In this episode, she shares a grounded, no-perfectionism approach to mindfulness—built around real life and real nervous systems, not unrealistic routines.
Katharine talks about how mindfulness and meditation became essential tools during her recovery from an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage, and why "being present" isn't about emptying your mind—it's about incremental, micro-returns to yourself throughout the day. We unpack what chronic stress does to the brain and body, why dysregulation can make ordinary situations feel like threats (feedback feels like criticism, delayed texts feel like rejection), and how regulation helps you make choices from a place of safety instead of survival.
We also get practical about decision fatigue, willpower crash, and the hidden cost of staying in survival mode for too long—especially for neurodivergent folks and anyone prone to anxiety, people-pleasing, or internal chaos. Katharine's simplest tool is also her most powerful: pause—before you hit send, before you say yes, before you defend yourself.
In this episode, we cover:
How to choose a mindfulness practice that actually fits your life
Why you can't "empty your mind" (and why that's okay)
Micro-practices: feet on the floor, 3 slow breaths, mindful waiting moments
Stress, the threat system, and what dysregulation does to perception
Decision fatigue: what it is and what it looks like day-to-day
Why willpower stops working when you're stressed (prefrontal cortex "offline")
Burnout, chronic tension, and the cost of living in survival mode
How to tell "good challenge" vs "too much" (hint: joy and resistance cues)
One weekly practice to try: pause before every response
Find Katharine / Learn more
Website: KatharineChestnut.com
Meditations: Insight Timer and YouTube (hundreds of meditations)
Free weekly sessions: Katharine hosts 3 live meditations/breathwork sessions per week

Sair Kaufman (they/she) is an autistic, non-binary musical theatre writer and performer living in New York City—and the creator behind "The Reality Shaper," a D&D-inspired fantasy musical podcast built for accessibility, community, and queer joy.
In this episode, Sair shares what it was like growing up undiagnosed, being high-masking (especially as an AFAB autistic person), and carrying years of self-blame before getting an official autism diagnosis at 22. We talk about what changed after that: self-forgiveness, accountability without shame, and finally having a framework for why social situations felt like everyone else had a "textbook" they never received.
Sair also breaks down how autism shapes their creative process—especially hyperfocus—including the week they wrote a 63,000-word novel in seven days, which later evolved into an episodic musical podcast that makes theater more accessible for neurodivergent and disabled audiences (and for anyone who can't easily access or afford traditional theater). We get into what "queer joy" means in storytelling, why representation doesn't have to equal trauma, and how to build creative work sustainably with organization tools, boundaries, and realistic expectations.
In this episode, we cover:
Choosing NYC over LA (and why "clear instructions" can be calming)
Late diagnosis, masking, and the "you don't look autistic" problem
Hyperfocus, creativity, and turning a niche idea into a real project
"The Reality Shaper": D&D-inspired high fantasy + queer enemies-to-lovers
Writing non-binary representation with joy (not trauma-as-the-point)
Balancing a day job, executive producing, and nervous system care
Perfectionism, productivity myths, and shipping the thing anyway
Practical advice: how to start when you don't know where to begin
Connect with Sair / The Reality Shaper
Website: therealityshaper.com
Instagram & TikTok: @SairKaufman (S-A-I-R-K-A-U-F-M-A-N)