Adulting with Autism

Ever go from "fine" to flooded in seconds—tight chest, racing thoughts, defensive tone—and then say things you regret?
That's not a character flaw. It's a brain hijack.
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, April talks with Diane McDowell, relationship coach (therapist-trained) and creator of the Brain to Heart Code, about what happens when your survival brain decides your partner is "dangerous"—and how to interrupt the hijack before it blows up your relationship.
This one is especially relevant for autistic and neurodivergent adults who live in the "preemptive flinch," scan constantly for threat, and mask as calm on the outside while shutting down internally.
In this episode, you'll learn:
What a brain hijack is (and why a slow text reply or a sigh can feel like a tiger chasing you)
Diane's 3-part model: End the hijack
Create safety that lasts
Return to you (honesty, self-trust, speaking your truth)

Why communication skills and "mindset work" fail when you're dysregulated: your prefrontal cortex goes offline
The most common hijack signals: chest pressure, changed breathing, clenched jaw/shoulders, racing thoughts, believing your story is 100% true
The "blue hair" rule: why defensiveness often shows up when you fear there's a smidge of truth (and how to use that as information)
How to shift from reacting to curiosity (self-curious + other-curious), including Diane's "sentence stems" to keep your tone grounded
How to work with bracing (and why focusing on "what do I need?" helps more than looping on "why am I like this?")
A micro-practice for rewiring: rehearse skills 5x/day (wake up, meals, bedtime) so you can access them when activated
What self-leadership means in conflict: stop spending your "brain juice" trying to control someone else—lead your nervous system instead
Why "self-sabotage" is often your body overprotecting (like an overzealous guard dog)—and how to soothe it without shame
How to speak your truth without demanding an apology, plus Diane's reframe on when apologies matter
Partner support without becoming a therapist: code words, noticing cues, time-outs, and not "shooting" each other mid-hijack
Boundaries that actually work: self-action boundaries ("If you yell, I will leave the room/house/end the call")
A core reframe for shame: you are 100% lovable, valuable, and worthy—and relationships improve when you stop performing to prove it
Free resources + quiz + mini-class: EmotionalSafetyCo.com (Free Resources tab)
If you've ever thought "I'm too reactive to be loved," this episode is your reminder: you're not broken—you're hijacked. And you can learn to come back to yourself.

If KPIs, OKRs, and vague performance reviews make you feel like you're constantly proving yourself—and still never "doing it right"—this episode will click.
April is joined by Radhika Dutt (electrical engineer, startup builder, author of Radical Product Thinking, and an ADHD-identified leader) to unpack why goals and targets often backfire, crush curiosity, and fuel burnout—especially for neurodivergent brains that thrive on meaning, pattern-finding, and problem-solving.
Instead of "hit this number," Radhika introduces a different way to work (and lead): puzzle setting + puzzle solving, using her OLA framework—a practical method you can apply in corporate, healthcare, education, and everyday life.
In this episode, you'll learn:
What OKRs and KPIs actually are—and why they often create performance theater instead of real progress
How target culture trains people to hide "bad numbers," making leaders the last to know when something is wrong
Why goal systems get gamed (the Microsoft support-queue example) and how that destroys morale for people who care about quality
The emotional cost of performance culture: masking, burnout, and losing intrinsic motivation
The shift that helps neurodivergent people thrive: move from goal-setting to puzzle-setting
How to set a strong puzzle using the 3 O's: Observation (what's happening)
Open Questions (what we genuinely don't know yet)
Objective (the puzzle summary)

How to solve puzzles without binary "pass/fail" thinking using 3 questions: How well did it work?
What did we learn?
What will we try next?

How to respond to vague performance feedback by turning it into a puzzle you can clarify and act on (including an OT/healthcare example)
Why psychological safety is required for this approach—and how leaders can model it without "shooting the messenger"
What the performance trap looks like at work and in personal life (chasing the next target → fast track to burnout)
When goals do work: repetitive tasks (reps at the gym) vs complex work that needs exploration (puzzles)
Radhika also shares real outcomes from puzzle-led work (including growth and churn improvement) and why it's okay—and necessary—to ask open questions you don't yet have answers to.
Free toolkit + framework: Radhika's OLA (Observe, Hypothesize, Learn, Adapt) resource (link in show notes)
Connect with Radhika: LinkedIn (link in show notes)
Upcoming book: releasing ~2027 (Radhika welcomes listener stories using the framework)
If you're tired of performing and ready to problem-solve like your brain actually wants to—this one's for you.

Turning 18 doesn't flip an "independent adult" switch—especially for autistic young adults.
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, April talks with Dr. Jack Hinman, Psy.D. from Engage (Southern Utah) about what actually helps autistic young adults move toward adulthood without losing autonomy, burning out, or getting stuck at home.
Dr. Jack breaks down why the transition from high school → "real life" often feels like a cliff, how parents can shift from control to influence, and what supports matter most when young adults are building real-world skills.
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why "if you met one autistic person, you met one autistic person" matters in support planning
The idea of bandwidth: sensory bandwidth, demand bandwidth, and social bandwidth—and why respecting it changes everything
Emerging adulthood as a longer runway (18–30+) and why interdependence is often the real goal
How to help parents stop treating adult kids like kids—without abandoning them
What goes wrong when autistic young adults have a bad therapy experience (and how to re-enter therapy slowly)
How to make therapy fit the person: pacing, reducing demand (even 15-minute family sessions), side-by-side seating, and meeting in less intense settings
Transition planning that actually works: building independence in small reps (menus, phone calls, scheduling, money habits)
What to do when a young adult is chronically online: start with empathy, name the belonging need it meets, and build bridges to structured offline connection
College readiness reality check: high school scaffolding hides skill gaps—start smaller (community college, high-interest classes, EF coaching/tutoring)
Dating while living at home: shift from "control" to relationship-based influence and keep connection close
Reframing anxiety: you can't grow without it—validate + normalize instead of treating anxiety as failure
A practical first step for moving out: make a 1–10 list and start with the easiest "number 1" action today
If you're a young adult who wants independence—or a parent trying to support it without micromanaging—this episode gives you language, frameworks, and next steps that don't rely on shame.
Learn more: engagelifenow.com
Dr. Jack on LinkedIn: Jack Hinman

"Be yourself at work"… unless that part of you is autistic, ADHD, anxious, too direct, too emotional, or needs something different.
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, April talks with Pasha Marlowe (she/they)—therapist (32+ years), coach to neurodivergent adults and couples, and author of Creating Cultures of Neuro Inclusion—about what real neuroinclusion looks like in workplaces, families, and community.
This conversation is practical and validating, especially if you don't feel safe disclosing a diagnosis (or you don't have one), but you still need support to function and avoid burnout.
In this episode, you'll learn:
What neuroinclusion actually means (it's not just "neurodivergent-friendly"—it's collaboration between all neurotypes)
Why leaders are losing people: it's often not "work ethic," it's lack of respect, agency, autonomy, and psychological safety
The RESPECT Framework: a simple "user manual" approach to talk about needs/preferences without requiring diagnosis or disclosure
How to write a one-page "how my brain & body work" guide (without turning it into a 10-page autobiography)
The difference between being told you belong vs neuro-belonging: belonging to yourself first (even in ableist spaces)
A powerful reframe for people-pleasers: "Disappoint others before you disappoint yourself."
Why "fix-the-person" workplace solutions fail—and how overworking in the first 30/60/90 days can lead to exploitation and burnout
How leaders can hold hard conversations when someone is labeled "too direct," "difficult," or "emotional" (hint: set expectations before conflict)
Workplace red flags for fake neuroinclusion: disorder-first language, functioning labels, sloppy "neurodiverse individuals," euphemisms, and excluding mental health from the neurodivergent umbrella
How to advocate using universal design language (e.g., "the flickering lights are disabling" / "I need captions to absorb the content") without outing yourself
If you're exhausted from masking all day, Pasha also shares how to talk to people at home about why you "crash" after work—and how to find spaces where you can actually unmask and be understood.
Pasha's book: Creating Cultures of Neuro Inclusion (paperback/Kindle/Audible)
Website: PashaMarlowe.com
Email: [email protected]
Social: TikTok/IG @neuroqueercoach | LinkedIn/Facebook: Pasha Marlowe

If you've ever said "I know better… so why do I keep doing this?"—this episode is for you.
April sits down with Brian DesRoches, a psychotherapist with 35+ years of experience, to unpack what's actually happening when we get triggered, people-please, shut down, avoid hard conversations, or spiral into self-blame.
Brian breaks down a powerful reframe: your brain doesn't "hate change"—it has emotional immunity to change when change feels unsafe. In other words, many self-defeating patterns aren't personality flaws… they're protective emotional learnings your nervous system is still running, often from long ago.
In this episode, you'll learn:
The difference between normal stress, anxiety, and being triggered (and why they're often lumped together)
Why triggers are essentially threat predictions—"the feeling of what will happen"
How behaviors like withdrawal, avoidance, people-pleasing, sarcasm, over-drinking, and perfectionism can be protective (not "brokenness")
The neuroscience of memory reconsolidation—and why insight alone often doesn't create change
What it means to "update" an old emotional learning at the synaptic level (vs just coping after you're activated)
A practical starting point: do a trigger inventory, identify one pattern, notice body signals, and name the feared outcome
Why feedback/authority situations can feel so intense for autistic people: the threat of being seen
How to find the right support: look for experiential therapy and ask about memory reconsolidation-informed approaches
This conversation is validating, practical, and hopeful: you're not lazy, dramatic, or defective—your brain is protecting you. And yes, you can update what it learned.
Brian's website: BrianDeRoche.com
(Books available on Amazon / by order at bookstores; includes a supplemental set of client stories.)
If you found this episode helpful, follow the show and share it with someone stuck in a loop of self-blame.