Adulting with Autism

What if one of the most effective ways to support a neurodivergent child is not starting with the child at all?
What if it starts with the adult learning to regulate themselves first?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with fellow occupational therapist Colleen about self-regulation, co-regulation, sensory processing, meltdowns, shutdowns, boundaries, parent burnout, repair conversations, and helping neurodivergent children build confidence without being punished for nervous-system responses.paste.txt
Colleen shares why every behavior is communication, why meltdowns are not manipulation, why shutdowns can be missed because they are quieter, and why "defiance" is often a poor explanation for what is actually happening.
We also talk about the difference between being firm and being harsh, being flexible and being permissive, holding a boundary and dismissing a feeling, and helping your child develop independence without rescuing them from every hard moment.
This episode is for parents, caregivers, neurodivergent adults, occupational therapists, educators, and anyone who has ever thought:
"I know what I should do, but I am overstimulated, dysregulated, and my kid just pushed every button I have."
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Who Colleen is: pediatric occupational therapist, self-regulation specialist, parent educator, creator of Growing Butterflies OT, and founder of Creations With Colleen.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why she moved to California—and why good weather was part of the decision.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The guiding question behind her work: "What if the most effective way to support your child is to regulate yourself first?"paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How Colleen's pediatric OT work led her to focus on supporting adults and parents before expecting them to co-regulate a child.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-regulation in ordinary language: feeling as okay as possible while navigating the hard, uncomfortable, stressful, overwhelming, or unexpected parts of life.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why emotional regulation is not about never having feelings—it is about understanding feelings, noticing them, and choosing what to do next.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The difference between self-regulation and co-regulation.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-regulation: how you care for yourself, understand your body, identify your needs, and move through difficult moments.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Co-regulation: how your regulated nervous system influences and supports another person's nervous system.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sensory processing and self-regulation: why hunger, fatigue, transitions, sounds, smells, light, food textures, social demands, and sensory overload can affect behavior.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why smell sensitivity, noise sensitivity, light sensitivity, food aversions, movement needs, and sensory preferences can all affect emotional regulation.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why some people need more intentional sensory support to feel calm, safe, alert, focused, or organized.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "defiance" may be a misleading label for a child who is overwhelmed, dysregulated, lacking a skill, anxious, sensory overloaded, confused, or feeling powerless.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why some children born after COVID may show more intense preferences, stronger opinions, and less willingness to simply "go with the flow."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to honor a child's voice while also accepting that some tasks are non-negotiable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The balance between accommodating children and helping them learn to do hard things.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why a child's meltdown is communication—not proof of bad intentions.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What meltdowns may communicate: overwhelm, lack of control, sensory overload, frustration, fear, perceived unfairness, exhaustion, lack of communication tools, or a nervous system that has reached capacity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why children often have their biggest meltdowns with parents or caregivers because they feel safest there.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why shutdowns are just as important as meltdowns, even when they are quieter and easier to miss.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Shutdown signs: becoming quiet, withdrawing, disengaging, appearing to "give up," becoming less verbal, avoiding interaction, zoning out, or losing access to previously available skills.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why confidence-building can protect against shutdown by helping children feel capable of working through difficult moments.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Common adult reactions that accidentally increase dysregulation: saying no without explanation, piling on language, arguing, escalating, demanding compliance in the heat of the moment, or ignoring a child's need for control.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why children may interpret "no" as permanent unless adults clearly explain the boundary and offer future options.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Effective co-regulation: adults learning their own triggers, sensory needs, anxiety patterns, exhaustion signals, and capacity limits.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why many adults were never taught emotional regulation in childhood and are now expected to teach it to their children.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Colleen's coffee story: missing a needed second cup of coffee before a demanding preschool observation and then realizing how quickly neglecting her own needs affected her capacity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why taking care of yourself first is not selfish—it allows you to show up with more patience, discernment, flexibility, and emotional room for others.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Boundaries: the difference between harshness, permissiveness, overgiving, self-abandonment, loving limits, and firm guidance.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why setting boundaries is especially difficult when parents are tired, triggered, guilty, people-pleasing, sensory overloaded, or afraid of upsetting their children.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why feelings are always valid, but not every behavior is okay.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A simple core message: "You are allowed to feel angry. You are not allowed to hurt someone because you are angry."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to prepare for hard moments before they happen rather than trying to teach new skills at the peak of a meltdown.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why a dysregulated child is not ready for a long lesson, reasoning, negotiation, or behavior analysis.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why co-regulation with autistic and ADHD teens may look like space, quiet presence, patience, offering options, respecting no-touch preferences, and waiting for communication in its own form.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why nonverbal, minimally speaking, or differently communicating children are still communicating constantly through behavior, facial expression, movement, proximity, withdrawal, sensory seeking, and choices.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to create sensory-supportive spaces without spending huge amounts of money on specialized equipment.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Low-cost sensory supports: noise-canceling headphones, spinning chairs, therapy balls, trampolines, movement breaks, jumping, safe pressure, music, massage, fidgets, household items, weighted blankets, and sensory routines.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why sensory support does not need to come from expensive products with the word "sensory" printed on the label.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why older kids, teens, and adults should be taught to identify their own sensory needs instead of relying on others to identify them forever.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why self-awareness is one of the most valuable long-term OT goals.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What power struggles often communicate: a child needs more autonomy, clarity, predictability, connection, choices, or emotional support.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why offering more small choices throughout the day can reduce later power struggles.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Examples of small choices: red cup or blue cup, shower before or after dinner, homework before or after snack, which shirt, which activity, which order.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Inner authority: building trust in your own ability to decide whether a strategy is working, whether it needs more time, or whether it is not the right fit for your family.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why families need to listen to advice without losing their own discernment.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Repair after conflict: why it is not enough to just move on after a big feeling moment.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> When to repair: after everyone has settled, not at the peak of distress.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A repair script: name what happened, acknowledge feelings, identify the behavior, hold the boundary, ask for the child's perspective, and make a plan for next time.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "I'm sorry" alone may not feel meaningful to children without explanation, accountability, connection, and changed behavior.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How adult children can work toward repair with parents even if they did not grow up in regulation-focused homes.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why adult children today are more willing to name past harm, ask hard questions, and refuse to pretend childhood experiences were okay when they were not.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why repair requires self-reflection, honest communication, accountability, and willingness from both people.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Parenting while neurodivergent: sensory sensitivities, trauma, burnout, emotional overwhelm, strong reactions, masking, and the additional pressure of raising a neurodivergent child.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergence includes strengths: creativity, perception, deep interests, connection-making, unique problem-solving, honesty, building, creating, and understanding what others miss.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergent parents deserve self-acceptance instead of pressure to appear more neurotypical.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Colleen's My Feelings Workbook and its body-awareness activities for children and families.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A simple family regulation practice: pause, breathe, scan your body, and identify how you feel physically—strong, tired, hungry, dreamy, energized, overwhelmed, or needing movement.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why helping children name body sensations can make emotions more understandable and manageable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Where to find Colleen's parenting book, children's workbook, educational resources, OT content, courses, and social media.paste.txt

About the Guest
Colleen is a pediatric occupational therapist based in California. She specializes in self-regulation, big feelings, sensory processing, transitions, co-regulation, parent support, positive boundaries, and helping children develop emotional awareness and confidence.paste.txt
Through her practice, resources, courses, books, and online content, Colleen helps families understand that behavior is communication. Her approach combines OT-informed sensory strategies, emotional regulation, nervous-system support, parent self-awareness, clear boundaries, repair, and compassionate guidance.paste.txt
She is the creator of Growing Butterflies OT and Creations With Colleen. Her resources include How to Lovingly Set a Firm Boundary, the My Feelings Workbook, parent education tools, sensory supports, and educational materials for children and families.paste.txt
Find Colleen at growingbutterfliesot.com, on Instagram at @growingbutterfliesot, and at creationswithcolleen.com.
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-regulation is not about never getting upset. It is about understanding what you feel, what your body needs, and how to navigate difficult moments.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Co-regulation starts with the adult. Children cannot borrow calm from someone whose nervous system is already on fire.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Meltdowns, shutdowns, defiance, avoidance, anger, and power struggles are often forms of communication—not evidence of bad intentions.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A child can be overwhelmed and still need boundaries. Feelings are valid; harmful behavior is not automatically acceptable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> You do not teach a new regulation skill at the peak of a meltdown. First reduce stimulation, maintain safety, offer space, and wait for everyone to settle.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Small choices throughout the day can reduce later power struggles because children feel more autonomy and predictability.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sensory support does not have to be expensive. Movement, fidgets, quiet, headphones, trampolines, spinning, pressure, music, therapy balls, and household items can all help.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Parents who ignore their own needs are more likely to become depleted, reactive, resentful, and less able to co-regulate.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Boundaries are not harsh when they are delivered with clarity, calm, consistency, and respect.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Repair is one of the most important parent-child skills: name what happened, acknowledge feelings, maintain the boundary, and plan for next time.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Neurodivergent adults and parents deserve to understand their own sensory needs, nervous-system capacity, trauma patterns, and strengths.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The goal is not to make every child look neurotypical. The goal is to help them understand themselves, feel supported, and develop the skills they need for their own life.

What if you spent years believing you were lazy, disorganized, not smart enough, too emotional, not trying hard enough, or "not living up to your potential"—only to discover that ADHD, executive-function differences, anxiety, and a learning disability were shaping your experience the entire time?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with Marvie Corbett, clinical therapist, social worker, author, ADHD adult, parent of three, and educational advocate in the DC/Virginia area. Marvie shares how postpartum depression and anxiety led to cognitive testing—and how those results gave her language for a lifetime of struggles with focus, math, organization, task initiation, academic pressure, self-doubt, and masking.paste.txt
We talk about bright kids who can compensate until executive-function demands rise, the overlap between ADHD and anxiety, why girls are often labeled anxious or depressed before anyone looks at ADHD, and how families can support neurodivergent children without turning every struggle into a moral failure.
This is a conversation about replacing shame with context, building systems around your actual brain, and learning how to be the boss of your executive functioning instead of feeling controlled by it.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Who Marvie Corbett is: clinical therapist, social worker, author, parent of three, ADHD adult, educational advocate, and clinician in the DC/Virginia area.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "bright but struggling," "lazy," "not trying," "unmotivated," and "not living up to your potential" are harmful labels for ADHD adults and children.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Executive functioning as a collection of skills or "muscles," not one single ability.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Different executive-function areas: task initiation, sustained attention, working memory, organization, planning, emotional regulation, impulse control, flexibility, prioritization, and follow-through.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why task initiation gets so much attention: people can see that you are not starting the report, assignment, homework, email, or household task—but they cannot see the effort it takes to begin.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Marvie's late ADHD discovery after postpartum depression and anxiety with her second child.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How cognitive testing helped separate sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression, focus difficulties, learning differences, and underlying ADHD patterns.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why a good assessment can create a "lightbulb moment" for adults who have spent decades blaming themselves.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The grief and relief of realizing, "I am actually smart. It was just really hard."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How ADHD and learning differences can remain hidden in academically bright children who compensate through intelligence, perfectionism, people-pleasing, overworking, anxiety, and last-minute effort.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why executive-function demands often increase sharply around third and fourth grade, sixth grade, ninth grade, college, parenting, postpartum life, and high-pressure careers.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why a child can do well in early grades and then "hit a wall" as organization, multi-step assignments, independent work, social complexity, and workload demands increase.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Marvie's realization that she also had a math learning disability and how that reframed years of frustration with math homework and academics.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why girls are often diagnosed first with anxiety or depression while ADHD goes unseen.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why anxiety and ADHD can become intertwined: behavioral feedback, rejection, impulsivity, overstimulation, fast thinking, threat scanning, perfectionism, and fear of disappointing people.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> ADHD and anxiety as "friends nobody asked for."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why highly capable ADHD adults may create elaborate systems, lists, reminders, alarms, notes, and organization hacks without realizing they are compensating for executive-function needs.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Neurodivergent and neurotypical relationships: why people can care deeply about each other while using different "operating systems."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why forgetfulness, missed dates, incomplete tasks, topic-switching, and delayed follow-through can hurt loved ones even when they are not intentional.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurotypical people may need to pause before personalizing executive-function challenges.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergent people still need to take responsibility for creating systems that help them show up in relationships.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Batching: pairing a task you need to do with something more enjoyable or rewarding to make it easier to start.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurotypical people do not always need to understand every neurodivergent brain hack in order to respect it.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How ADHD masking differs from autistic masking.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> ADHD masking as overworking, people-pleasing, running too hot, striving for approval, overperforming, compensating, and pushing yourself beyond sustainable capacity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Autistic masking as navigating social cues, performing expected behavior, modifying communication, managing eye contact, decoding indirect language, and suppressing natural responses.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "doing your best" should include leaving enough energy for home, rest, relationships, hobbies, and life outside work.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to distinguish your actual goals from conventional success, prestige, family expectations, income pressure, achievement culture, and "more, more, more."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why a sustainable job may matter more than a prestigious job.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Questions to ask about career fit:

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Will I have energy after work?

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Can I work at a pace that fits my brain?

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Do I have autonomy?

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Is there meaning behind the work?

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Is the environment tolerable?

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Can I build a contented life around this role?

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Time blindness: struggling to estimate time, track time passing, plan ahead, understand duration, or accurately predict how long something will take.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why always arriving 15–30 minutes early can actually be a coping strategy for time blindness.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Visual time tools: analog clocks, visual timers, color-based timers, countdowns, routines, and external time cues.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Biological time versus clock time: working around hunger, fatigue, energy, interest, and internal rhythm rather than only arbitrary clock expectations.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Strategic avoidance: avoiding emails, bank accounts, grading, paperwork, difficult conversations, medical appointments, and other emotionally threatening tasks.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to tell the difference between avoiding something because it is boring and avoiding it because it triggers shame, rejection sensitivity, fear, guilt, or past negative experiences.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why scheduling work and scheduling fun can reduce guilt and make rest more restorative.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sensory regulation for ADHD adults: movement, fidgeting, cardiovascular exercise, music, novelty, physical activity, stimulation, and intentional sensory input.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why fidgeting may support focus and retention.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why ADHD adults may need stimulation to regulate rather than needing only quiet rest.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve executive functioning.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Body doubling as adult parallel play: working near another person, even on different tasks, to support activation, accountability, and focus.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What supportive relationships with ADHD adults can look like: curiosity, humor, realistic time expectations, reminders, acceptance, communication, and not taking every interruption personally.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why ADHD interruptions can be about working memory and connection rather than disrespect.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to communicate when interruptions hurt: name the impact without assuming malicious intent.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergence should not become a moral failure or an excuse.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to own your needs while also accepting responsibility for the systems, supports, and strategies that help you participate in relationships and daily life.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why newly diagnosed ADHD adults should begin with reflection instead of immediately redesigning their entire lives.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The importance of looking back at your history with curiosity: school, relationships, work, childhood feedback, academic shifts, anxiety, depression, burnout, and patterns of self-blame.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-compassion versus self-esteem: why worth should not depend on achievement, success, being "good enough," or proving yourself.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why you should treat yourself as you would treat a good friend who is struggling.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Parenting neurodivergent children while neurodivergent yourself: dividing responsibilities based on actual strengths, supporting your own sensory needs, preventing overload, and asking for help.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Educational advocacy: why parents should not wait until the wheels fall off to ask for evaluation, testing, accommodations, support, or learning-difference screening.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why academic decline, school refusal, homework meltdowns, sudden dislike of school, reading avoidance, math distress, writing avoidance, and increased anxiety can all be useful signs that more support is needed.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to include young people in IEP, 504, accommodation, and advocacy conversations without making them feel broken or different.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to frame supports positively: "Your brain needs this," "This helps you learn," and "You deserve tools that make school workable."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why families can laugh about ADHD chaos without becoming mocking, minimizing, or shame-based.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Marvie's books: a picture book about ADHD and anxiety, plus a therapeutic fantasy novel exploring productive thoughts, perfectionism, trauma, ADHD, learning differences, depression, friendship, and self-understanding.paste.txt

About the Guest
Marvie Corbett is a clinical therapist, social worker, author, parent of three, and ADHD adult based in the DC/Virginia area. She works with neurodivergent children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families around ADHD, anxiety, depression, executive functioning, learning differences, parent coaching, educational advocacy, relationships, and self-understanding.paste.txt
Marvie serves as one of the directors at Rebecca Resnick and Associates, where she supports group programming and educational advocacy. Her work focuses on helping people understand their own cognitive and emotional patterns, reduce shame, build practical strategies, and develop language for needs that may have gone unnamed for years.paste.txt
She is also the creator of Marveling Therapeutic Tools, where she shares therapeutic and educational resources, including books for children, parents, and families navigating ADHD, anxiety, perfectionism, trauma, learning differences, depression, and self-compassion.paste.txt
Find Marvie through resnickpsychology.com and marvelingtherapeutictools.com. Her books are also available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble.paste.txt
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> ADHD is not laziness. Executive function affects task initiation, sustained focus, organization, working memory, emotional regulation, impulse control, and follow-through.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Bright children may compensate through intelligence, anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and extreme effort until executive-function demands become too high.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Girls are often identified first as anxious or depressed while ADHD and learning differences go unnoticed.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A child who suddenly hates school, melts down over homework, avoids reading, struggles with math, or becomes more anxious may need more support—not more criticism.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Anxiety can become an executive-function strategy by creating urgency, but cortisol-driven productivity is not sustainable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Neurodivergent people do not need to become good at every weakness. They need systems, support, delegation, accommodations, trade-offs, and opportunities to use their strengths.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Time blindness can look like chronic lateness, but it can also look like always being excessively early to avoid the risk of lateness.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A supportive relationship with an ADHD person includes communication, curiosity, humor, realistic expectations, and understanding that interruptions or tangents are not always disrespect.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-compassion is more sustainable than self-esteem built on performance.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Parents of neurodivergent kids need to support their own regulation, sensory needs, executive-function limits, and overload patterns too.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Educational advocacy works best when parents notice early signs, document concerns, ask questions, seek evaluation, and include children in understanding their supports.

What if your ADHD, autism, executive dysfunction, sensory sensitivity, sleep issues, burnout, mood shifts, and inability to "keep masking" are not suddenly getting worse because you are failing?
What if your hormones, nervous system, sleep, nutrient status, stress load, and neurodivergent brain are all interacting at the same time?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with Dr. Sarah, a board-certified physician and neurodivergent woman in midlife who focuses on precision-guided, personalized care for neurodivergent women through perimenopause, menopause, and beyond.paste.txt
We talk about why neurodivergent women may experience perimenopausal symptoms earlier, why estrogen and testosterone affect executive function, how disrupted sleep amplifies everything, and why standard medical approaches often miss the bigger picture.
Dr. Sarah also explains why ferritin, B vitamins, progesterone, cortisol, circadian rhythm, food aversions, sensory needs, stress, burnout, libido, relationships, and masking can all be part of the same conversation.
This episode is for every neurodivergent woman who has been told, "Your labs are normal," "You're too young for perimenopause," "It's just stress," or "You just need to sleep more"—while internally feeling like a raccoon in a dumpster fire.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Who Dr. Sarah is: board-certified physician, neurodivergent woman in midlife, and provider focused on precision-guided, personalized care for neurodivergent women.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergent women often face multiple overlapping challenges across the lifespan: PMDD, difficult menstrual cycles, postpartum changes, hormonal shifts, perimenopause, menopause, sensory overload, executive dysfunction, masking, burnout, and medical dismissal.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The difference between menopause and perimenopause.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Menopause as one point in time: the point after 12 months without a menstrual period, followed by postmenopause.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why perimenopausal symptoms can begin years before menopause.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergent women may notice perimenopausal symptoms much earlier than expected, sometimes in their 30s.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why women may be dismissed with: "You're too young for perimenopause."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Estrogen's wide-ranging role in the body, including the brain, executive function, memory, motivation, mood, and cognition.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why fluctuating estrogen can be particularly difficult for neurodivergent brains that are sensitive to unpredictable highs, lows, changes, and internal instability.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How perimenopause can make autism and ADHD traits feel more intense.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why masking, camouflaging, stimming, focus strategies, emotional regulation, and coping systems that once worked may stop working in midlife.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Dopamine and estrogen: why falling estrogen can affect attention, motivation, executive function, and ADHD symptoms.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Testosterone and the neurodivergent brain: energy, confidence, drive, executive function, communication, and the ability to show up in a meeting, make a pitch, or advocate for yourself.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why testosterone often receives less discussion than estrogen despite its role in women's health and cognition.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Hormonal birth control, testosterone, and why some women may have low hormone levels earlier than they realize.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why hormone treatment for neurodivergent women may need a slower, more individualized approach rather than one standard dose or protocol.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why some neurodivergent women may be more sensitive to estrogen, progesterone, hormonal shifts, medication changes, and side effects.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The role of ferritin, iron, B6, B12, magnesium, nutrient absorption, food aversions, menstrual bleeding, gut health, and mitochondrial function.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why low ferritin can affect energy, dopamine pathways, cognition, thyroid function, mood, and executive function.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why simply being told to take an iron supplement or receive an infusion may not address the underlying cause of low ferritin.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The importance of asking why a lab value is low: menstrual bleeding, absorption issues, diet, food aversion, gut issues, hormone changes, or other causes.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sleep as the most important foundational system for brain function, nervous-system regulation, mood, executive function, hormones, cellular repair, and chronic illness prevention.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why disrupted sleep can worsen ADHD symptoms, emotional regulation, memory, executive dysfunction, anxiety, fatigue, and sensory sensitivity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Circadian rhythm support: getting light exposure into the eyes soon after waking to help regulate cortisol, energy, melatonin, and sleep timing.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why morning cortisol is not always the enemy—it is part of helping the body wake, activate, and generate energy.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sleep latency, rumination, racing thoughts, early waking, deep sleep, REM sleep, and why neurodivergent women may struggle with all of them.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Progesterone, GABA, and why hormonal shifts can influence calming, rumination, sleep, and nervous-system regulation.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Long-term masking and chronic stress: the "sympathetic spiral of doom."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergent brains can feel like Ferrari engines with weak brakes: high output, high sensitivity, and difficulty downshifting.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How chronic sympathetic activation can affect cortisol, metabolism, insulin sensitivity, weight changes, sleep, burnout, and overall capacity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "normal" lab ranges are not always the same as optimal functioning for a specific person.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The limitations of reference ranges that include broad populations across large age spans and different levels of health.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "your labs are normal" can fail to capture how a patient actually feels and functions.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Subclinical patterns: why a result may technically fall inside a reference range while still warranting a deeper look in context.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to advocate at medical appointments without needing to become a hormone, lab, or supplement expert.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why it helps to arrive with a written symptom list, specific questions, a brief timeline, and a clear request.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Useful self-advocacy language:

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "These are the symptoms I am experiencing."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "This is how they are affecting my daily function."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "I would like to explore possible causes."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "If you do not think this is the cause, can you explain what else we should investigate?"

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "If this is outside your area of practice, can you refer me to someone else?"

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How ADHD medications may need adjustments during perimenopause and menopause due to changing estrogen, testosterone, dopamine, sleep, stress, and executive-function needs.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why some women may need different medication doses at different points in the menstrual cycle or hormonal transition.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why treatment should be individualized rather than assuming every woman needs the same medication, supplement, hormone protocol, diet, workout, or "biohack."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why wellness trends can become another source of failure and shame for neurodivergent women.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The difference between understanding a wellness principle and forcing yourself to use it in a way that does not fit your sensory needs, energy, food preferences, schedule, or nervous system.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "food prep" may be a great concept but still fail if eating food prepared days earlier is a sensory nonstarter.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why gym culture may be overwhelming for a neurodivergent person even if movement itself is beneficial.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Low-hanging-fruit supports: sleep, morning light, nervous-system regulation, nutrient evaluation, realistic food support, and reducing sympathetic overdrive.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Early signs that your current pace may no longer be sustainable: sleep changes, afternoon crashes, worsening focus, reduced masking capacity, cognitive slowing, more sensory overwhelm, short temper, and feeling unlike yourself.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "I cannot get past 3:30 p.m." can be useful health information, not simply laziness.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Energy mapping: identifying peak, neutral, and depleted periods in your day.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to rearrange tasks around energy instead of forcing executive-function-heavy work into your lowest-capacity hours.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why taking a nap, lying down, using a weighted blanket, stimming, breathing, closing the door, or taking a true break may make the rest of the day more manageable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Relationships, parenting, communication, libido, sexuality, and how midlife neurodivergence and hormones can affect all of them.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why lower libido is not a moral failure and why libido is connected to mood, stress, pain, hormones, safety, exhaustion, and nervous-system capacity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergent women may have less capacity to mask in relationships during hormonal changes.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The importance of community, honest communication, self-understanding, and giving partners concrete language about needs.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why loneliness matters for physical and emotional health.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to explain your needs to a partner: "I need one hour a day when I am not responsible for anyone or anything."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why personalized care matters: no supplement, medication, hormone, exercise plan, diet, or intervention works the same way for every person.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Where to find Dr. Sarah's writing, courses, resources, and Substack community.paste.txt

About the Guest
Dr. Sarah is a board-certified physician and neurodivergent woman in midlife who focuses on precision-guided, personalized care for women navigating autism, ADHD, hormonal shifts, PMDD, sleep disruption, burnout, perimenopause, menopause, executive dysfunction, and midlife health concerns.paste.txt
Her work bridges conventional medicine, hormone health, functional optimization, nervous-system regulation, lab interpretation, neurodivergence, and the reality that one-size-fits-all care often fails women—especially neurodivergent women.
Dr. Sarah's mission is to help women understand their bodies, gain language for what they are experiencing, advocate for better care, and stop internalizing medical dismissal as personal failure.paste.txt
Find Dr. Sarah's courses and resources at drsarahinternational.com. She also shares weekly free articles and an in-depth paid community through her Substack.
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Perimenopause can begin years before menopause, and neurodivergent women may notice symptoms earlier than expected.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Hormones do not only affect periods and hot flashes. Estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone can influence memory, focus, executive function, mood, motivation, libido, sleep, and the ability to mask.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> If your autism or ADHD suddenly feels "worse" in midlife, you may not be failing. Hormonal shifts, sleep disruption, stress, nutrient issues, and nervous-system overload may all be contributing.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sleep is not optional for neurodivergent brain function. Poor sleep can amplify executive dysfunction, anxiety, sensory sensitivity, emotional reactivity, and burnout.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "Normal" labs are not always the same as optimal function. If you feel terrible, your lived experience deserves further investigation.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Low ferritin, nutrient issues, heavy menstrual bleeding, food aversions, gut problems, and hormonal shifts can all affect cognition and capacity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> You do not need to arrive at a medical appointment as an expert. You need a clear symptom list, functional examples, direct questions, and willingness to seek another provider if you are dismissed.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> No wellness strategy is one-size-fits-all. A good idea still has to work with your sensory needs, schedule, food preferences, energy, hormones, and actual life.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Your body's 3:30 p.m. crash may be information. Energy mapping can help you schedule high-demand work when you have capacity and protect recovery when you do not.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Midlife changes can affect relationships, parenting, sexuality, communication, and self-image. Community and honest conversations matter.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> You cannot out-supplement chronic stress and poor sleep.

What if a student who appears to be "struggling" is not showing you their full potential because the environment, instruction style, expectations, or support system is not working for their brain?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, I talk with Joie, Senior Director of Teaching and Learning at Fusion Academy. Joie has spent more than 15 years working in personalized education, including special education, campus leadership, teaching and learning strategy, social-emotional development, and support for neurodivergent students.paste.txt
Fusion Academy uses a one teacher-to-one student model, where teachers serve as both instructors and mentors. Joie explains what educators can learn in that environment that may be invisible in a traditional classroom—and why strong relationships, clear expectations, individualized executive-function support, and high standards can coexist.paste.txt
We discuss adolescence as a complicated but formative time, the hidden curriculum that makes school hard for autistic and ADHD students, why "just use a planner" often fails, how to support self-advocacy, and why parents must gradually move from standing in front of their kids to standing beside them.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Who Joie is: Senior Director of Teaching and Learning at Fusion Academy, longtime educator, former special education lead, parent, reader, runner, and advocate for personalized education.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Her 15-plus-year journey with Fusion Academy, including campus leadership and national teaching-and-learning work.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why adolescence is complicated: hormones, identity, peer relationships, brain development, academic expectations, family dynamics, self-discovery, and the transition toward adulthood.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Fusion Academy's reminder for educators: "We know—we were there. It's our job to remember."paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why every adult in a school should remember what it felt like to be a teenager before assuming a student is just being difficult, disengaged, dramatic, or lazy.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How a psychology background encourages curiosity: asking "Why is this happening?" instead of making assumptions based on behavior.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why behavior is not always a direct reflection of capacity, intelligence, motivation, or future potential.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The danger of letting a diagnosis, behavior pattern, or school history become a ceiling on what a student can do.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neuroplasticity matters in adolescence: skills, habits, confidence, coping strategies, academic patterns, and self-awareness can still develop significantly.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why traditional education sometimes focuses more on performance and compliance than potential, connection, environment, and individualized access.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Fusion Academy's one teacher-to-one student model and the learning advantages of focused individual attention.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> What teachers can discover in a one-to-one setting: interests, goals, sensory needs, learning preferences, motivation, anxiety patterns, barriers to engagement, and the unique ways a student connects with content.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why relationship-building can improve academic engagement and willingness to take risks in learning.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Fusion's "Love, Motivate, Teach" educational approach.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why supportive learning does not mean reducing expectations or enabling avoidance.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How one-to-one instruction can make expectations clearer because a student cannot disappear into the back of the classroom or rely on peers to answer every question.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why high expectations can be an act of care when they are paired with support, clarity, patience, connection, and belief in the student.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The hidden curriculum of school: transitions, group work, unclear expectations, ambiguous instructions, reading between the lines, perspective taking, self-management, organization, social performance, and asking for help.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why group work can be especially difficult for students who need clear roles, predictable expectations, direct communication, and structured collaboration.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How ambiguous assignments can trigger anxiety, perfectionism, avoidance, shutdown, or task paralysis.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why rubrics, exemplars, models, visual roadmaps, and multiple examples of successful work can reduce anxiety while preserving creativity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The difference between showing a student an example and removing their ability to think creatively.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Executive-function support: identifying whether the core challenge is organization, task initiation, planning, prioritization, time management, working memory, emotional regulation, or following through.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why individualized executive-function support starts with observing where frustration actually occurs—not giving every student the same planner, checklist, app, or productivity system.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to gradually build skills: work on one routine or tool at a time, practice it long enough to become usable, then add the next support.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "just break it down" fails when a student is already overwhelmed by 10 new systems, planners, calendars, checklists, expectations, and adult pressure.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to make executive-function struggles less shameful: "You are not chaos. We may just need support with organization."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why self-advocacy needs to be made visible, practiced, named, and explained before students transition to adulthood.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The difference between adults quietly doing things for students and students understanding what supports they need and how to ask for them.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why social-emotional learning is not just a generic curriculum—it should be individualized, explicit, student-directed, skill-based, and connected to real-life goals.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Fusion's school-wide learner outcomes: inclusivity, resourcefulness, critical thinking, and self-awareness.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why neurodivergent students should help choose their own social-emotional learning focus, such as communication, perspective taking, connection, self-awareness, advocacy, confidence, or group participation.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why teachers should not assume that social-emotional skills are intuitive for every learner.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Skills that supportive middle and high schools should help neurodivergent students develop before graduation: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, communication, executive function, resilience, advocacy, and practical independence.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How parents can support growing independence without rescuing, controlling, or removing every obstacle.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The shift from standing in front of your child to standing beside them.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why the parent role may evolve from "I will do it for you" to "I will help you prepare to do it yourself."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How parents can observe school struggles, communicate with teachers, watch engagement patterns, and seek the right supports.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why educational therapists can be especially helpful for neurodivergent students working on executive function, academic skills, cognition, and learning strategies.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How a student can assess whether they need to leave a school environment or whether they need stronger supports within that environment.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The first question to ask: "Who are my supports, and have I actually used them?"

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Fusion Academy's in-person and virtual programming, with more than 80 physical campuses across the country and virtual options for families.paste.txt

About the Guest
Joie is the Senior Director of Teaching and Learning at Fusion Academy. She has spent more than 15 years in personalized education, beginning as a special education lead at Fusion's first replication campus in Los Angeles before moving into campus administration and national education leadership.paste.txt
Her work focuses on personalized learning, educator development, neurodivergent student support, executive function, social-emotional learning, mentoring, and helping schools create environments where students feel seen, valued, challenged, and capable.paste.txt
At Fusion Academy, Joie supports an educational model built around one teacher and one student per class. This model allows teachers to develop deeper understanding of a student's learning style, interests, goals, strengths, barriers, and support needs.paste.txt
To learn more about Fusion Academy, its in-person campuses, virtual options, personalized learning model, family resources, and events, visit fusionacademy.com.
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Adolescence is not a problem to survive; it is a complicated, formative period where identity, independence, relationships, learning, and future direction are still developing.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A diagnosis, behavior pattern, or history of school struggle should never be used as a ceiling on a student's potential.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A student's behavior may reflect anxiety, unclear expectations, executive-function needs, sensory overload, lack of trust, or an environment mismatch—not lack of intelligence or motivation.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Strong relationships between teachers and students can create the safety needed for academic risk-taking, honest communication, self-advocacy, and growth.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Supportive education does not mean lower expectations. It means giving students the structure, clarity, connection, and tools needed to meet meaningful expectations.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The hidden curriculum can be as difficult as academic content for autistic and ADHD students.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Rubrics, models, clear examples, visual expectations, and explicit instructions reduce anxiety and help students understand what success looks like.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Executive-function support must be individualized. One student may need help with organization, another with task initiation, another with prioritization, and another with time awareness.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> "Just use a planner" is not an intervention if the student is already overwhelmed. Start with one small, meaningful system.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-advocacy develops when students know what support they use, why they use it, and how to ask for it.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Parents support independence by shifting from standing in front of their child to standing beside them.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A supportive school helps students build capacity for adulthood—not just pass classes or reach graduation.

What if the problem is not that ADHDers are lazy, irresponsible, unmotivated, disorganized, or "not trying hard enough"?
What if the problem is that modern school, work, productivity, and social systems were built around a different type of brain?
In this episode of Adulting with Autism, Sol Smith returns to talk about his new book, The ADHDer's Guide to Self-Discovery. Sol is an autistic and ADHD life coach, former college professor, author of The Autistic's Guide to Self-Discovery, and founder of the Neurospicy Community.paste.txt
We talk about ADHD beyond generic productivity advice. This conversation gets into dopamine, cortisol, procrastination, masking, rejection sensitivity, time blindness, sensory regulation, people-pleasing, burnout, body doubling, self-compassion, and why ADHD adults need systems that work with their brains instead of systems designed to make them look more neurotypical.
Sol also explains why ADHD is not always a "superpower," why the "fish climbing a tree" metaphor needs an update, and why a better goal is to lean into your strengths while finding enough support around the things that drain you.
In This Episode, We Cover
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Who Sol Smith is: autistic and ADHD life coach, former college professor, late-identified AuDHD adult, author, and founder of the Neurospicy Community.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sol's new book, The ADHDer's Guide to Self-Discovery, and why he wrote a self-understanding book rather than another shame-based guide to "fixing" ADHD behavior.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why many ADHD resources still focus too much on changing the person to meet external standards instead of changing environments and expectations to reveal ADHD strengths.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Autism and ADHD overlap: shared executive-function challenges, task initiation difficulties, burnout, masking, rejection sensitivity, and living in systems made for someone else's neurotype.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why autism and ADHD statistics remain incomplete, especially when research has historically centered white male participants.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The high co-occurrence of autism and ADHD, and why many autistic adults are discovering ADHD later in life.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The difference between autism and ADHD social experiences: overlap in rejection and misunderstanding, but often different patterns of reading social expectations.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Rejection sensitivity and "lowercase t trauma": repeated small rejections, exclusion, marginalization, being in trouble, disappointing others, and being pushed out of groups.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The research Sol discusses on early peer rejection and how quickly ADHD children may be excluded or marginalized in group settings.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The Mario-in-a-Sonic-world metaphor: being capable, creative, and valuable while being judged by standards designed for a different neurotype.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> ADHD motivation and dopamine: why completing an uninteresting task may not provide the same internal reward it does for a neurotypical person.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The elephant metaphor for motivation: leading yourself with a carrot, a stick, urgency, meaning, novelty, interest, or emotional stakes.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Cortisol-driven productivity: procrastinating until urgency floods the system with stress and makes action possible.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why last-minute work can sometimes be excellent work, but still come at a physical and emotional cost.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The hidden costs of relying on stress to make things happen: anxiety, immune-system strain, soft-tissue stress, exhaustion, and burnout.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> People-pleasing as a coping system: doing work for praise, approval, teacher validation, or parental acceptance when the work itself is not rewarding.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why people-pleasing can eventually collapse when praise disappears or external validation no longer feels sufficient.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why ADHDers often excel in urgent, hands-on, fast-moving work, including emergency medicine, surgery, crisis response, and jobs where needs are immediate and concrete.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why "ADHD is a superpower" can be invalidating for people who have not yet found their strengths or are still struggling with disability, shame, and burnout.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A revised fish metaphor: an ADHDer may be a fish that cannot swim very fast but can climb trees—and fish school never teaches tree climbing.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why the goal is not to become better at every weakness, but to lean into strengths and create support, delegation, trade-offs, or outsourcing around what drains you.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How ADHD masking differs from and overlaps with autistic masking.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Autistic masking as consciously or unconsciously decoding social expectations and trying to perform them correctly.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> ADHD masking as running too hot, overworking, striving for approval, trying to prove worth, and putting in extreme effort to appear neurotypical, competent, and reliable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why the right definition of "doing your best" includes leaving enough energy for your life outside of work.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to distinguish between an authentic goal and a performance of conventional success.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why ADHD adults may absorb other people's ideas of prestige, success, money, career, productivity, and "more" before identifying what they actually want.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why sustainable success is a better question than status: What job, schedule, role, environment, or life lets you remain content and still have energy at the end of the day?

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Time blindness: difficulty estimating how long something will take, sensing the passage of time, being on time, understanding future consequences, or balancing "now" versus "later."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why being 15–30 minutes early can be a sophisticated coping strategy for chronic lateness rather than proof that someone "doesn't have time blindness."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Visual time supports: analog clocks, visual timers, countdowns, color blocks, and timers that make the passage of time more concrete.paste.txt

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Biological time versus clock time: hunger, fatigue, interest, energy, and internal rhythms can be more intuitive than arbitrary clock-based expectations.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Strategic avoidance: avoiding money, emails, schoolwork, difficult conversations, boss meetings, emotionally loaded tasks, and other areas that trigger stress or rejection sensitivity.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> How to distinguish boring-task avoidance from emotionally threatening avoidance.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why scheduling the work and scheduling the fun can reduce guilt and help ADHD adults actually rest.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sensory regulation and focus: fidgeting, movement, exercise, music, novelty, stimulation, cardiovascular activity, and intentional sensory input.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why fidgeting may improve focus and retention for ADHD learners rather than prove they are "not paying attention."

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why ADHD adults may need stimulation to regulate instead of needing only quiet downtime.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Body doubling and autistic "parallel play": working near another person, even on separate tasks, to create structure, support task initiation, and reduce the cognitive load of starting.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Supportive relationships for ADHD adults: realistic expectations, curiosity, patience, humor, clearer time expectations, and understanding that tangents may be a chain of real associations rather than inattention.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why interruptions can signal comfort and connection for ADHDers, while still requiring communication and respect for the other person's feelings.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The importance of explaining impact: "When you interrupt me, it hurts my feelings," rather than assigning malicious intent.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> The unmasking roadmap in Sol's book, based on Dabrowski's positive disintegration framework.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Why unmasking and self-discovery can bring grief, sadness, identity disruption, and discomfort before leading to more contentment and control.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> A first step for newly diagnosed or self-recognizing ADHD adults: look back at your history, identify patterns, and replace blame with context before trying to redesign your entire life.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-compassion versus self-esteem: why worth should not depend on productivity, perfection, achievement, or proving yourself.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Sol's closing message: treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend who was struggling.

About the Guest
Sol Smith is an autistic and ADHD life coach, former college professor, author, speaker, and founder of the Neurospicy Community. After being late identified as autistic and ADHD, Sol focused his psychology studies and coaching work on self-understanding, unmasking, neurodivergent identity, executive function, relationships, and building sustainable systems around the actual needs of autistic and ADHD adults.paste.txt
He is the author of The Autistic's Guide to Self-Discovery and the newly released The ADHDer's Guide to Self-Discovery. Both books focus on moving away from stigma, shame, self-erasure, and conventional expectations—and toward self-knowledge, self-acceptance, community, autonomy, and strength-based living.paste.txt
Sol's Neurospicy Community provides online support, connection, discussion, resources, and insight for autistic and ADHD adults. He also offers one-on-one coaching through Square Peg Coaching.
Find Sol's books, coaching, community, articles, and resources at professorsol.com. You can find the Neurospicy Community at neurospicycommunity.com.paste.txt
Key Takeaways
p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> ADHD is not laziness. Many ADHD adults are working extremely hard to initiate, organize, focus, regulate, remember, mask, and meet expectations that were built for another neurotype.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Autism and ADHD overlap in executive-function challenges, social rejection, masking, burnout, and nervous-system strain—but each experience also has distinct patterns and needs.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Rejection sensitivity often comes from repeated experiences of being corrected, excluded, misunderstood, or made to feel like a disappointment.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Procrastination can be a coping mechanism that creates urgency and cortisol when intrinsic motivation or dopamine are not available—but it is physically and emotionally expensive.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Hyperfocus can create excellent work, but a system that relies on panic and last-minute pressure is not sustainable.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Not every ADHD trait should be called a superpower. The goal is to identify strengths without minimizing disability, struggle, or unmet support needs.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Time blindness does not always look like chronic lateness; it can also look like extreme overcompensation, such as always arriving 30 minutes early.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Fidgeting, movement, music, novelty, and body doubling are legitimate regulation and focus tools—not evidence that someone is not paying attention.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Supportive relationships require curiosity: ask how an ADHD brain got from point A to point Z before assuming the person was not listening.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Newly recognizing ADHD does not require an overnight life overhaul. Start by looking back, understanding your patterns, grieving what needs grief, and replacing shame with context.

p]:pt-0 [&>p]:mb-2 [&>p]:my-0"> Self-compassion is more sustainable than self-esteem based on achievement. You do not need to prove your worth to deserve care.