Adulting with Autism

Adulting when your brain is "spicy" and life is messy isn't about having the house, the car, or the perfect routine—it's about learning how to work with your nervous system, not against it.
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, April sits down with Tina Estrella (also introduced as Tina Strayer), a certified EK (Existential Kink) coach and "flow state management" coach whose work is closely related to Internal Family Systems (parts work)—with a more playful, "juicy," body-based approach.
Tina shares her own story of being misdiagnosed in the era when autism/ADHD (especially in women) wasn't "on the menu," and how re-framing her experience through an ADHD / neurodivergent lens has helped everything click into place.
Together, they unpack what "kink" means outside of media stereotypes, how hidden pleasure patterns can show up inside self-sabotage loops, and why the goal isn't to eliminate anxiety—it's to stop rejecting it and learn to make it an ally.
This episode is full of practical distinctions (intuition vs fear vs nervous system overload), re-frames for shame and the inner critic, and a simple first step when you catch yourself spiraling: step back and breathe, then question the story running in your mind.
In this episode, you'll hear:
Tina's journey: misdiagnosis → self-understanding through neurodivergence/ADHD
What "Existential Kink" actually means (and why it's not just about sex)
"Radical approval": why rejecting anxiety keeps it stuck
Turning anxiety into clarity by creating distance: "I'm not anxiety—I'm experiencing anxiety"
How to tell intuition (calm knowing) from fear (tense urgency) and overload (too activated to choose well)
Shame + inner critic: what they're trying to protect, and how to work with them
Self-sabotage + "hidden pleasure patterns" (video games/TV/scrolling): when soothing becomes avoidance
What "flow state management" is and why it matters for neurodivergent adults
"Dream team" parts work: coaching inner chaos instead of trying to exile it
How to recognize you're about to abandon yourself (the loop + the heavy fog)
The first thing to do in a spiral: breathe + question the narrative
What real transformation looks like: reacting differently and being okay with still being a "hot mess"
About Tina Estrella
Tina Estrella is a certified EK coach who blends existential kink concepts with parts-work-inspired coaching and nervous-system awareness. She supports clients in building self-trust, reducing shame cycles, and learning to navigate anxiety and inner chaos without forcing themselves into an unrealistic "perfect adult" mold.
Where to find Tina (and her new podcast)
Socials: YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook
Search "Tina Estrella" or "Flowstate manager, Tina"
Podcast: No Safe Word in Real Life (currently on YouTube and Spotify)
Website (as stated): tinastreeya.com

Change is hard—especially when you're autistic, ADHD, burned out, or late-diagnosed and trying to "adult" with a nervous system that did not get the memo.
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, I'm joined by Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.—a Licensed Telehealth Psychologist serving Maryland and Washington, DC with over 30 years of clinical experience. Dr. Vanderhorst works with adults, couples, and families and uses evidence-based approaches including Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT)—all delivered through secure, HIPAA-compliant virtual sessions.
This conversation is a grounding, practical reset for anyone who feels stuck in their own head: we unpack why introducing change feels impossible, what "high-functioning anxiety" can look like in adulthood, how to get out of negative thought loops, and why grief isn't just about death—it's also about the life you thought you'd have, the energy you don't have anymore, and the version of you that had to survive.
And yes—she gives a simple, free starting point you can do today: download a feelings sheet and start naming what's happening inside you. Because in Dr. Vanderhorst's words (and honestly, she's not wrong): if you can name it, you own it. If you can't name it, it owns you.
In this episode, we talk about:
Where to start with personal growth (especially if you're overwhelmed)
Why change feels so hard (hint: it's not just you—it's human)
"High-functioning anxiety" in adults: how it shows up as avoidance, overthinking, and staying small
Outgrowing childhood coping skills—and how to tell when it's time to get help
A practical "brain dump" method for overthinkers and over-functioners
Gentle regulation during change (and why your nervous system needs a thermometer, not a lecture)
Grief beyond death: late diagnosis, burnout, lost expectations, and unnamed losses
Why our culture avoids grief—and how to recognize grief when it's hiding in your body
Resilience, meaning, and why healing happens in connection, not isolation
The "backpack of rocks" metaphor (and how to stop carrying what isn't yours)
About Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst, Ph.D.
Dr. Gloria Vanderhorst is a licensed psychologist who provides telehealth therapy for Maryland and Washington, DC. She offers individual therapy for adults, online couples therapy and marriage counseling, and support for concerns like anxiety, depression, ADHD and executive functioning, trauma, relationship issues, family conflict, and performance anxiety. Her work is grounded in EFT and IFS and focuses on emotional growth, self-understanding, and healthier relationships.
Resources + How to connect with Dr. Vanderhorst
Website: DrVanderhorst.com
Free resource: Download the Feelings Sheet (under the site's Resources section)
Book: Read, Reflect, Respond – The 3 Rs of Growth and Change (available on Amazon)
Telehealth note: You must be physically located in Maryland or Washington, DC at the time of your appointment.

What if the DSM isn't the "final word" on your brain—just a system that got used for billing and scaled into a cultural identity machine?
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, April sits down with Dr. Meher Chahal—a physician trained in Western medicine and psychiatry who no longer practices in the traditional system and now works as a Systemic & Family Constellations facilitator/therapist, Jungian coach, and author of Unlicensed Medicine.
We get into the messy reality of labels: how they can help people access services and how they can quietly shape self-worth—especially for autistic and ADHD kids who get "file-foldered" before life even starts. Dr. Chahal shares her perspective on why diagnosis can slide into identity, why some behaviors get pathologized without context (hello, bullying and "ODD"), and how neurodivergent adults can move toward personal sovereignty without pretending symptoms don't exist.
If you've ever wondered, "Do I need meds, therapy, coaching… or just a safer environment?"—this episode is for you. We talk about choosing support based on practical dysfunction and symptoms, not just a label, and how to "window shop" providers without getting retraumatized by the system.
In this episode, we cover:
DSM labels, billing, and why that matters for real-world care
Autism/ADHD kids, early diagnosis, and the impact on self-worth
Overdiagnosis, overprescribing, and why context (home + school) matters
Bullying, misdiagnosis, and why "behavior problems" aren't always pathology
Reframing "ODD" and other sticky labels that follow kids into adulthood
How to choose meds vs. therapy vs. coaching based on your symptoms and daily life
Moving out of "victim consciousness" while still honoring real trauma
About Dr. Meher Chahal:
Trained in Western medicine, psychiatry, Systemic & Family Constellations therapy, Hellenistic astrology, and Jungian coaching, Dr. Chahal supports founders and business leaders with clarity, alignment, and sustainable growth. Her work integrates Business Constellations, Jungian psychology, and astrology to uncover hidden dynamics impacting leadership, revenue, team structure, and decision-making—using astrology as a practical timing and strategy tool for launches, pivots, investments, and long-term planning.
Find Dr. Meher Chahal: DrMeherChahal.com
Book: Unlicensed Medicine

"What do you do?" can be a hard question for autistic people—especially when your whole life finally starts making sense after you find the right language.
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, Dr. Megan Anna Neff (clinical psychologist, educator, and creator of Neurodivergent Insights) shares her path into autism advocacy: near the end of her clinical psychology doctorate, one of her children was identified as autistic—and that sparked her deep dive into autism in girls and women. What she found changed everything, including how she understood herself—and how unprepared the mental health field often is to recognize autistic and ADHD adults.
We talk about what shifts when you finally have the language for autism/ADHD: burnout, sensory needs, shame, and self-expectations. Megan explains how taking sensory needs seriously can be a major first step in unmasking—and why it can reduce cumulative stress and burnout over time. She also challenges the modern self-care industry, reframing self-care as self-attunement, plus collective and interdependent care—not a product you buy to survive a system that's burning you out.
Megan breaks down the difference between "burnout" and autistic burnout, explains spoon theory (from the chronic illness community), and shares practical ways to budget energy—without ignoring the role of privilege and real-world constraints. We also discuss the complex emotional reality of late diagnosis: the liberation and the grief, the identity rebuilding, and why sensory awareness can feel like it gets worse before it gets better.
This episode is for anyone who's wondering "am I autistic, ADHD, or both?" and wants a gentle, realistic starting point that honors both strengths and struggles.
In this episode, we cover:
Dr. Megan Neff's "entry point" to autism: clinical training + child identified autistic + recognizing her own autism
Why so many autistic/ADHD adults were missed—and why this moment in time feels pivotal
Sensory needs and burnout: how disconnection/dissociation can be an adaptation
why fluorescent lights, grocery stores, and everyday environments can be costly
letting needs be "needs," not "weakness"

Self-care without pretending to be neurotypical: critiquing the self-care industry
the importance of collective care and interdependent care
"self-care starts with self-attunement" (checking in with what you need moment-to-moment)
interoception challenges (not noticing thirst/hunger until it's too late)

Why a card deck can be more executive-function-friendly than "read another book"
What's inside the Self-Care Activities for Autistic People deck (6 domains): Sensory (weight/pressure/movement/stim songs, sensory soothing)
Physical (hydration, blood sugar, movement supports)
Emotional
Mental (including identity-related reflection)
Social (cross-neurotype communication, rejection sensitivity, social stress)
Professional (workplace supports)

Autistic burnout vs "regular" burnout: autistic burnout often impacts basic life tasks and can be pervasive across domains
deeper brain fog + bigger dip in daily functioning

Spoon theory (origin in chronic illness advocacy) and what "spoons" mean as energy units
Energy budgeting in real life: the role of privilege/constraints (parenting, work demands, limited choice)
reducing sensory irritants as "quiet energy drains"
noticing internalized ableism + workaholism/type-A patterns

Late diagnosis and identity: liberation and "I'm not broken" moments
grief, revisiting old wounds, relationship shifts during unmasking
why awareness can feel worse before it feels better

Deconstructing shame: naming internalized ableism when it shows up
making room for grief without pathologizing yourself
unmasking privately when public unmasking isn't safe

Why community matters (especially online): belonging as an antidote to shame
hearing your story reflected in others

Gentle next steps if you suspect autism/ADHD: lived-experience podcasts/books
screeners as one data point (not a diagnosis)
considering whether formal diagnosis is helpful for you

Find Dr. Megan Anna Neff / Resources mentioned:
Neurodivergent Insights (website with free PDFs/articles + resources)
Instagram: Neurodivergent Insights (visual education/infographics)
YouTube: Neurodivergent Insights (educational videos)
Podcast: Divergent Conversations (co-hosted; includes unpacking autism/ADHD criteria through lived experience)
Book: Self-Care for Autistic People (major outlets)
Deck: Self-Care Activities for Autistic People (major outlets)

What does intimacy look like when you're autistic and/or ADHD—especially with sensory overwhelm, fast thoughts, rejection sensitivity, or trouble "reading the room"?
In this episode of Adulting With Autism, April sits down with Dr. Laura Jurgens (somatic sex and attachment specialist) to talk about body-based approaches to desire, arousal, consent, and connection—in a way that's practical, shame-aware, and neurodivergent-affirming.
Laura explains why many of us get stuck in our heads (hello, modern life), and why your nervous system state can determine whether desire is even available. You'll learn what a "desire gap" is (when partners want different amounts of sex), how it can create pressure and misunderstanding over time, and how to have honest conversations without blame, coercion, or "obligation sex."
You'll also hear why porn and media can give unrealistic expectations about arousal and timelines, what responsive desire is (and why it's more common than people think), and how to make consent feel connected and embodied instead of awkward or "checkbox" clinical.
In this episode, we cover:
Autism/ADHD traits in intimacy: sensory sensitivity, overwhelm, and distraction
Dopamine-seeking brains, intrusive thoughts, and getting out of your head and into your body
Desire gaps: what causes them and how to navigate them as a team
Spontaneous vs. responsive desire (and why it can change with age)
Shame, sex education gaps, and curiosity as an antidote
What real consent looks like—especially when mind-reading isn't your strength
A simple, low-pressure practice to reconnect with your body this week
Find Dr. Laura Jurgens: laurajurgens.com
Listen to Laura's podcast: Pleasure Uprising (Apple/Spotify)
Substack: laurajurgens.substack.com