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Imperfect Men Can Build Boys Too
Imperfect men helped Greg Hlavaty become a good guy. “I think what saved me were men who stepped in as surrogate fathers,” Greg wrote in a recent essay. Those men weren’t exactly role models: One, Greg says, “was openly racist and bragged about having lobbed bricks from overpasses in his youth.” The other was “a middle-aged alcoholic…who regularly taught class drunk.” But both “really listened” to Greg, encouraged him, and were “genuinely proud” of his accomplishments. They connected with Great — and that, as they say, made all the difference.Make Room for Less-Than-Perfect MenLimiting boys’ contact with less-than-ideal role models might be harming our boys — and our men. In this conversation, Greg & Jen explore the surprising ways flawed, imperfect men can shape boys into compassionate, confident adults, as well as how we can encourage supportive connections between boys & men.Takeaways:Surrogate father figures can have a profound impact on young men’s lives.Red flags in behavior should be assessed with context, not stigma.Accountability from mentors can guide young men towards better choices.Community involvement is essential in raising boys to be good men.Engaging in a child’s interests can strengthen bonds.Many men feel unqualified to mentor young people.Our culture often discourages intergenerational connections.Being present in a young person’s life can have a significant impact.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Stop Ignoring the Mental Health of Young Men — Greg’s essayIn Praise of Imperfect Men — Building Boys Bulletin post by JenWhat About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? — Building Boys post by JenSponsor Spotlight: Hello FreshGet 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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41:39
Understanding the Parent Amplification Effect
Do you know what the parent amplification effect is? Do you know how to use it your (and your kids’!) benefit? “Because of children’s dependency on their parents, any parental remark – positive or negative – gets magnified in the child’s mind,” says Adam Galinsky, a social scientist, business school professor, dad of two boys, and author of Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & Others. That’s the parent amplification effect.“An offhand compliment can inspire a lifelong passion, while a critical comment may lead a child to abandon an activity altogether,” Adam says. In this conversation, Adam, Jen, & Janet discuss how parents can use their words to positively impact their children.Takeaways:Our words have meaning, but we won’t always say the right thing.Offhand comments can have lasting effects on a child’s self-esteem.Parents are not perfect and will make mistakes.Children are always observing, even when we think they aren’t listening.Awareness of our impact as parents is crucial for effective communication.Guilt can be constructive, while shame can be harmful.Children are resilient and can overcome negative experiences.We can learn to be more inspiring leaders and parents.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Inspire: The Universal Path for Leading Yourself & OthersHow to Speak Up for Yourself — Adam’s TED talkListen to Boys & Young Men – ON BOYS episodeNonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY. Check out IXL and use code TODAY for a great deal. Sponsor Spotlight: Hello FreshGet 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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38:42
Rebels with a Cause: Dr. Niobe Way on Building a Relational World
What happens when we prioritize independence over connection? According to Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologist and author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, it creates a “boy culture” that isolates boys and diminishes their relational skills.Dr. Way has spent 40 years studying boys and uncovering the challenges they face as they navigate societal expectations of strength, autonomy, and self-reliance. Her research shows that these cultural messages undermine boys’ natural relational intelligence and hinder their ability to build and sustain deep friendships.In this episode, Dr. Way dives into the critical role of relationships in mental health and human flourishing—not just for boys, but for all of us. She explains how cultural norms, rather than biology, shape male behavior and outlines practical steps parents and educators can take to nurture boys’ emotional and relational capacities.Dr. Way also shares powerful insights from her research, including the wisdom of a 7th-grade boy who noted, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.” This episode is a call to rethink how we support boys—and ourselves—in building the connections we all need to thrive.Takeaways:The stereotype of the self-sufficient man is damaging not only to boys but to society as a whole.Boys are born with the same relational intelligence as girls, but cultural conditioning suppresses it over time.To support boys, we need to normalize conversations about relationships and model emotional vulnerability.Fostering deep connections can improve mental health and combat harmful cultural narratives about masculinity.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.niobe-way.comRebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe WayDeep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe WayTogether: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek MurthyPink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise EliotWhen Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy ChuThe Listening ProjectDr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episodeWhy Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hello FreshGet 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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54:41
Unlocking the Power of Play
Play is a powerful tool for parenting & child development.Mr. Rogers once said “Play is serious learning” and “the work of childhood,” and we and our guest, Georgie Wisen-Vincent, couldn’t agree more.That’s not to say or imply that play is serious or work in the way that most of adults think of “serious” or “work.” Rather, it’s to underscore the fact that play — as fun as it can be! — is not a frivolity. It’s not trivial or unimportant at all. In fact, it’s absolutely vital for health human development.“Play is essential for long-term success,” Georgie says. Yet no one really teaches parents how to engage in & support their children’s play. In this episode, we share some fun, easy strategies you can use to play with your kids.Takeaways:Short moments of play can have significant developmental benefits.Involving children in household tasks can be a form of play.Play helps build emotional connections and communication skills.Using play can make daily routines more enjoyable for families.Children learn empathy and social skills through play. Repetition in play is crucial for neural development.Children often express emotions through playful scenarios.Pretend play allows children to process aggression safely.Joining children in play can ease transitions from screens.Nature provides a nurturing environment for play.Incorporating play into daily life strengthens family bonds.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm, Confident Kids, by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent The Center for ConnectionPlayStrong InstituteTeacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning – ON BOYS episodeGun Play & Boys – ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYSponsor Spotlight: Hello FreshGet 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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49:55
Male Puberty Starts Sooner Than You Think
Modern male puberty starts sooner than you think. Boys today may enter puberty as early as age nine. That’s why your 10-year-old’s mood swings might actually be linked to these new hormonal shifts. As Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett point out in their book, This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, the first sign of puberty often comes with a slamming door.Why Parents Miss the First SignsMany parents aren’t ready for male puberty. Early physical changes can be subtle, and they usually appear just as boys begin seeking more privacy. According to Vanessa, it’s entirely possible you won’t notice the initial stages of puberty until your son’s behavior shifts dramatically.When Your 10-Year-Old Acts More Like a TeenPuberty hormones—mainly testosterone—don’t just change bodies; they shape moods, too. Sudden spikes are associated with outbursts and that well-known “swing to silence” so many adolescent boys display. Pediatrician Cara Natterson explains these hormone surges can escalate and crash within hours, and that emotional roller coaster is often what you see when your son acts like “a jerk.”They Dislike the Swings, TooKids don’t enjoy these wild ups and downs any more than you do. Their brains are awash in hormones they don’t yet know how to handle, causing confusion and moodiness. In addition, boys’ emotional regulation skills aren’t fully developed, which is why parents, teachers, and other adults need to show empathy while holding them accountable.Offer Room to Recover“We have to give boys the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa advises, emphasizing that many feel ashamed after a blow-up. By giving them space to cool off, then reconnecting later, you let them know there’s a path to re-enter the conversation without judgment.Weathering the Adolescent StormIt’s normal to feel grief, fear, and frustration as your son navigates puberty. Boys often distance themselves from parents during this time, which can feel like rejection. Don’t forget they usually “come back” after they’ve crossed the threshold into more mature adolescence.A Messy Yet Meaningful JourneyYes, your son might seem smelly, messy, or downright disrespectful right now—none of which means he’ll stay that way, or that you’ve parented poorly. As Vanessa says, guiding boys toward kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness is a winding road filled with bumps.Respond, Don’t ReactWhen tempers flare, remain calm. Give your son the space he needs, and circle back once he’s cooled down. Teach him about emotions in those quieter moments and seek additional help if needed. By walking alongside him, you’ll both be better prepared to handle the challenges—and rewards—of growing up.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennettlessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episodeThe Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holesPuberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episodeGuy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara NattersonGuy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara NattersonSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAY Check out IXL and use code TODAY for a great deal: https://www.ixl.com Sponsor Spotlight: Hello FreshGet 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
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41:38