The Autism Mums Podcast

In this episode, Natalie and Victoria talk about raising siblings who have different needs.
Key Takeaways
How sibling dynamics shift over time, especially as children reach their teens
The unique challenges that come with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) in sibling relationships
Why it's important to let siblings just be siblings, rather than stepping into a co-parenting role
Sensory clashes between siblings — when one child's coping mechanism is another's trigger
Explaining autism to younger siblings in an age-appropriate way
How to handle meltdowns when both children need you at the same time
Fairness vs. equality — why "everyone gets what they need" is a more helpful frame than equal treatment
The importance of one-on-one time and separate activities for each child

Mentioned in This Episode
Wonderfully Wired Brains: An Introduction to the World of Neurodiversity An informative and inclusive children's guide to neurodiversity for those not in the know and to inspire children who are neurodivergent.
MyTime Young Carers — weekly online activities and events for siblings of disabled children
Sibs — UK charity dedicated to supporting brothers and sisters of disabled people
Young Sibs
Contact
Carers Trust
Sense
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Transcript
Victoria Bennion: [00:00:00] In this episode, we're talking about what it can look like growing up with an autistic brother and sister. What does that look like for siblings?
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so we are coming at it from the perspective of parents observing a sibling relationship
every family is different, but there are definitely common things that come up that I'm sure you'll recognize.
Victoria Bennion: One of the things that comes up, I've noticed is difference in development. Sometimes there's an age gap and sometimes there isn't, but you might notice children reaching milestones. In a different order or at a different pace than you expected?
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I definitely noticed that with mine. I think I've been thinking about this a lot more recently because I have a younger daughter, older son. A son with diagnosis, and the rates of development of each child, in some ways the youngest is catching up with the oldest when there's a five-year difference.
And looking at the impact of that on the older one. I think it can bring up mixed [00:01:00] feelings for siblings
sometimes it can be motivating or encouraging, but other times it can feel confusing, especially when trying to understand something that seems easy for one child and it's hard for the other.
Victoria Bennion: I think that's where gentle age, appropriate explanations can help a bit. Talking about how everyone's brain works differently and how development isn't a straight line.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, we've used books in the past. I don't know if you've, done that. Mine's a much younger child, but we have started introducing, what autism is to her and we do have a book that explains that brains work differently, which we can link to in the show notes, which could be quite helpful.
Victoria Bennion: That's a good idea. We've used a couple of videos, which would been helpful, but not books, but mine are a little bit older.
Natalie Tealdi: I think another thing that comes up for us is that communication styles can be different. So if one child has PDA, and big anxieties around demands, that can be quite tricky for a sibling to understand.
Victoria Bennion: Oh, yeah. Particularly if one uses direct language, even if they [00:02:00] don't mean it unkindly, it can feel like pressure to the other sibling and the other sibling doesn't always realize
Natalie Tealdi: yeah, we definitely have that with my youngest is trying to be mothering and be helpful.
But using quite a lot of language, like trying to tell my son what to do and it doesn't always go down well 'cause it's not quite how we would phrase things either. So trying to be helpful, but then it's kind of backfiring.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. Something that we've found it quite helpful to do is to try to reinforce to the older siblings that they don't need to be.
Co-parent. They don't need to try to manage the other's behavior, on our behalf. I've said that's what me and your dad are for. Your role is to be a sister. But that's something that we've really had to be mindful of and work on because it was causing problems.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. And you really wanna protect that relationship. That brother sister relationship can be so important. And you don't really want one of them to be thinking the repair and the other, a child saying,
Victoria Bennion: no, absolutely not.
[00:03:00] I think really when you're managing different needs within a household or two autistic children that might have really different profiles, there can be this clash and it can be really tricky.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. Like one might really need to make noise or repetition or move more and the other might need quiet and space and predictability and that can be really hard to cater for those needs.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, we've had that. When we were on holiday, we were in a situation and it was quite crowded and one. My children needed to make noise to regulate themselves, and the other needed silence, and then they're rubbing each other up the wrong way and getting very cross. I mean, it's, neither of these needs are wrong, but.
It can create friction.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. We have that in the car sometimes as well. Like one will need to make noise. The other really desperately wants some quiet and this really boring journey and I just wanna zone out. So it is at that point we building breaks. Let's have a stop here. And I run around lots and lots of breaks on long trips, drips.
Yeah. [00:04:00] So with parenting, you're not just supporting the siblings individually, you're also supporting the relationship between them.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, that's important, and I think it's about explaining the behaviors in a way that builds empathy between them, helping them understand each other's nervous systems and what each need.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. And I think, that can be received and it just depends how they are at the time, can't it? Sometimes they can be understanding and sometimes they just don't really care. Absolutely. We do our best.
Victoria Bennion: I've certainly noticed the dynamic shifted as one of my children became a teenager. When they were
younger, It was much easier, but I think maybe becoming older and then wanting more responsibility, that might have changed it a bit and it widened that gap.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. Another thing that is quite important to talk about is the invisible child dynamic.
Victoria Bennion: Yes. The child who isn't in crisis, the one that's seeming to be able to cope, the one who gets described as the easy one. I mean, I have one of those once upon a time.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I think it changes depending on [00:05:00] what phases everybody's in. Doesn't it?
Victoria Bennion: Well, for sure in our household it's definitely like a Seesaw one is okay and it's not.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. But I think children can learn really quickly not to add to the stress at home. You know, be quiet, Don.
Disrupt the balance. And so they might downplay their own needs.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. It can look positive on the surface. They can look mature, responsible, understanding, but underneath there can be needs that aren't being voiced.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so it is definitely worth...

In this week's episode of The Autism Mums Podcast we're returning to the subject of PDA, or Pathological Demand Avoidance.
PDA is a profile of autism where the standout feature is demand avoidance - and the behaviours that come with it are often misunderstood, dismissed as naughtiness or stubbornness. We're drawing on guidance from the PDA Society alongside our own lived experience to help you understand what's really going on, and what actually helps.
Key Takeaways
PDA is an autism profile where everyday demands can trigger intense anxiety and a need for control.
Responses commonly look like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
Many children with PDA have a spiky profile - real strengths in some areas and significant challenges in others. Appearing articulate or socially capable can mask what's really going on inside.
Some common approaches make things worse - strict routines, reward charts, behaviour systems, and countdowns can all increase anxiety and erode trust. It varies so much between children.
Think of boundaries with an elastic band around them: knowing what really matters and letting the rest go.
Language matters. Swapping direct demands for gentle suggestions, indirect phrasing, and offering real choices can make a significant difference.
Responding with compassion, curiosity, and calm - even when you're screaming inside - is what keeps things from escalating.
The PDA Society frames this as a human rights issue, grounded in dignity, freedom, and choice — and that perspective can help justify approaches that might feel counterintuitive to others.
School settings often struggle with PDA because surface compliance hides deep need. Good assessment and clear educational planning really matter.

Mentioned in This Episode
PDA Society - https://www.pdasociety.org.uk
PDA Society Support and Training - https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/support-and-training/

Connect with The Autism Mums
Website – https://theautismmums.com/
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Transcript
57 - Parenting PDA
[00:00:00]
Victoria Bennion: In today's episode, we're returning to a subject that we've covered before PDA, but this time, , we wanna go a little bit more deeper into it, is it something that comes up on a regular basis? And particularly as we were talking about the transitions that the children are going through as they grow up, and how you then handle that with a PDA child.
Natalie Tealdi: PDA, which is pathological demand avoidance and the behaviors that come with it are often misunderstood. We've both learned so much more since the episode we did on this before, and we want to share that experience with you.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, we're gonna make sure that we draw on guidance from the PDA society, and we'll combine that with our own lived experience.
Talking about common traits.
What happens when every day demands trigger intense anxiety, how a rights-based approach changes our responses and where you can go to for support.
Natalie Tealdi: The PDA Society describes PDA as a profile of autism, where the standout feature is demand [00:01:00] avoidance. So people struggle with everyday demands, even ones they want or need to do.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, it's often mistaken for naughtiness or being really stubborn. So without the right understanding and support, PDA can really have a massive effect on daily life.
Natalie Tealdi: The key point is this demand avoidance is usually driven by anxiety and a need for control. I think that's been a really important one for me to understand. I try to come at it as a point of view of. My child's anxious and they need support rather than them just being
Defiant.
Victoria Bennion: Again, I know we say this a lot, but it's can't rather than won't, but it's just the way those behaviors come out that I think to someone who doesn't know what's going on, it can look like your child's being really, really naughty.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.
Victoria Bennion: I know that we have to be really careful about the language that. We use so that it doesn't come across as a demand, because , if it sounds like a demand and it can feel threatening to the [00:02:00] child and then their anxiety that they feel spikes into panic. So yeah. The PDA Society outlines four common responses.
Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. So fight can look like oppositional or aggressive behavior. Flights may be leaving, hiding, running away. I know some children climb trees to get away, to somewhere that's nice and quiet and away from
Victoria Bennion: sound like you have experience of this.
Natalie Tealdi: And freeze can be zoning out or becoming non-verbal.
And fawn is people pleasing or over agreeing to avoid conflict.
Victoria Bennion: Well that's interesting.
Natalie Tealdi: Mm.
Victoria Bennion: So one of my children certainly freezes. So it's the zoning out and becoming non-verbal. That's what I would see a lot. And I didn't have a good understanding of what PDA was for a while. I saw it as the fight that you would see.
So it took me a little longer to realize that's what was going on.
Natalie Tealdi: I think between us all four of those things are kind of covered by our kids.
Victoria Bennion: [00:03:00] Yeah. Yeah. I think we can, we can cover those.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.
Victoria Bennion: For sure. One of the things that we have to be careful about is for example, saying you need to go and have a shower now.
That is just gonna be a flat out No. So I've learned over time that it's better to say. I think it would be a good idea to have a shower today. When would suit you? When do you think? Then even if we agree a time that would be forgotten. So I would then likely put a reminder on so it's not me then pressuring it's two o'clock, you said you'd have a shower at two o'clock.
I get Alexa to do it.
Natalie Tealdi: Right.
Victoria Bennion: That seems to work better for us, but a teacher at my son's first school actually used some of those techniques with him , it was in a report that was done where someone was observing that she actually worked those into her, language.
It said in the report that he was wearing gloves but had been given a laptop. So as she walked away, she said gloves off rather than, you must take [00:04:00] your gloves off. It was things like that
Natalie Tealdi: like just a little suggestion, but also not even using the, the eye contact or anything.
Victoria Bennion: That's what was picked up on I think it was quite skillfully done, and that's what's needed, but I've only really become aware of it in the last few months of how much. More I need to be using the techniques that would work for PDA rather than autism.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. I think it's something we've talked about as well is as the children are getting older and you want to encourage a bit of independence in some areas, but also is trying to find that right balance, isn't it, by gently encouraging, but not pushing and making them stressed.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, definitely. ,
Natalie Tealdi: PDA goes beyond just demand avoidance.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, Many people with PDA have what's known as a spiky profile, so they have real strengths in some areas and big challenges in others.
For example, a child could be really articulate but completely unable to answer a direct question. When [00:05:00] stressed the words. Just go. I mean, that's definitely one of my children.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. And that masking can be exhausting. Surface behavior can make it look as though someone is coping, but that coping uses so much energy that it needs to break down later.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. I was recently actually in a meeting about one of my children and this came up and I was really surprised that. They obviously cover it so well that nobody sees those struggles. It's pretty much as we've just described, because they're articulate. No one's seeing like the intense emotions that are going on inside because they're managing that superficial social interaction.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. So is it then like coming out?
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. What I then see is refusal. And just an inability to cope and exhaustion.
There are some approaches that are definitely going to be worse if a child has PDA.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. So like strict routines, behavior charts.
Did

In this 'in case you missed it' episode Victoria and Natalie chat with Julie Green, author of Motherness, to explore the realities of parenting through autism both as a mum to an autistic son and as a woman who discovered her own autism later in life.
Biography
Julie M. Green is a Canadian writer whose work has been featured in the Washington Post, HuffPost, The Globe and Mail, Today’s Parent, and Chatelaine. She has appeared on CTV, BBC Radio, SiriusXM, and CBC Radio. She writes The Autistic Mom on Substack. For more information, visit JulieMGreen.ca.
Key Takeaways
Autism in girls and women can look very different from the traditional stereotypes. Julie explains that while boys can be identified through visible traits like lining up toys or having clear special interests, girls may channel their autistic traits into more socially acceptable interests
Many girls mask their differences by copying peers
The importance of seeing challenging behaviour as communication, not defiance.
How self-compassion and reframing past experiences can heal years of misunderstanding and self-blame
The need for schools and systems to replace punishment with understanding and co-regulation.

Mentioned in This Episode
Motherness: A Memoir of Generational Autism, Parenthood, and Radical Acceptance
The Autistic Mom Substack
The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible by Ross W Green
National Autistic Society
Connect with Julie Green
Website: juliemgreen.ca
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/juliem.green
Substack: https://theautisticmom.substack.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/julie-m-green-34bb1845/
Connect with The Autism Mums
Website – https://theautismmums.com/
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In this week's episode of The Autism Mums Podcast we're talking about travelling with autistic children. Whether it's a one night stay, a weekend with grandparents, or a long holiday.
Trips that other families might find routine can involve a huge amount of planning, uncertainty, and sensory challenges - different beds and pillows, unfamiliar food, noisy or crowded spaces, and even hidden safety hazards in accommodation.
We're sharing our experiences - what helped, what didn't, and our suggestions of what might help you too.
Key Takeaways
Small preparations can help. Consider doing short practice stays before a long trip and build up time away gradually if that feels manageable for your family.
Bring familiar comforts: favourite pillows, blankets, trusted foods, and familiar toiletries (toothpaste, shampoo) can reduce sensory upset and make sleep and routines easier.
Pack a comfort/essentials bag: include fidget toys, calming smells, noise-reducing items, a spare set of safe foods, charging cables and any sensory supports you rely on.
Make plans but stay flexible: a loose “what if” plan for meltdowns, exits or separation can help you respond quickly, but be ready to adjust if things change.
Think about personal space: shared rooms or cabins can reduce opportunities to retreat. Consider quieter accommodation options, balconies or separate rooms where possible.
Check provider policies in advance. Ask hotels, cruise lines or attractions about quieter rooms, room layouts, food policies and any autism-friendly services they offer.
Use airport and venue support. Request assistance like fast-track check-in, quiet lounges or sensory rooms where available to reduce waiting and crowd stress.
Balance siblings’ needs. Plan some separate activities or downtime so children with different needs can recharge without upsetting each other.
Learn from each trip. Make brief notes about what worked and what didn’t so your next trip can be easier to plan.
Be kind to yourselves! Not every holiday will go perfectly. Celebrate small wins and prioritise calm and safety over trying to “do it all.”

Connect with The Autism Mums
Website – https://theautismmums.com/
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In this week's episode of The Autism Mums Podcast we’re talking about autistic burnout.
We share our personal experiences of supporting our children through burnout, from shutdowns and sensory overwhelm to emotional exhaustion and withdrawal. We also open up about how life events (including unexpected changes and disruptions to routine) can tip the balance and lead to burnout.
We explore what autistic burnout can look like in children, what can cause it, and most importantly what can help.
Key Takeaways
How autistic burnout can present
Increased meltdowns, shutdowns, or physical complaints can be signs your child is overwhelmed and exhausted
Sensory sensitivities can intensify during burnout, making everyday things feel unbearable
Changes to routine, environment, or support systems can trigger or worsen burnout
Balancing energy-draining and energy-giving activities can support recovery
Gentle, low-pressure outings (like time in nature) can help rebuild energy over time
Reducing demands and allowing flexibility can support your child’s nervous system
Burnout is usually temporary, and with the right support, children can recover and feel like themselves again

Mentioned in This Episode
Understanding Autistic Burnout
Autistic burnout: When navigating a neurotypical world becomes too much
Connect with The Autism Mums
Website – https://theautismmums.com/
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