The Addicted Mind Podcast

In this episode, Duane Osterlind sits down with Dr. Alexandra Katehakis, founder of the Center for Healthy Sex, to explore the complex relationship between shame, affect dysregulation, and addiction. Dr. Katehakis breaks down why shame isn’t just a "bad feeling" but a survival-based biological process rooted in our nervous system and early childhood development.
Key Highlights
1. What is Shame? (The Gut Connection)
Shame is a pro-social function embedded in the human organism from birth. Unlike many other emotions, shame is primarily located in the enteric nervous system (the gut).
The Biology: When we experience shame, we feel a visceral "drop." This is a rapid shift from a high-dopamine state (joy or excitement) to a low-dopamine state (collapse).
The "No" Moment: Around 18 months, a child experiences the "genesis of shame" when a parent must use a firm "No" to protect them. In a healthy relationship, this is a temporary state.

2. Rupture and Repair: The Building Blocks of Resilience
Healthy Dyad: A parent shames a child (rupture) but immediately follows up with soothing and "motherese" (repair). This teaches the child’s nervous system how to regulate itself.
Toxic Shame: When shaming is chronic and unrepaired, "states become traits." The child remains in a collapsed, shame-based state, leading to pathological dissociation or chronic depression.

3. Addiction as "Auto-Regulation"
Dr. Katehakis posits that addiction is often a result of affect dysregulation. If a person lacks the internal capacity to regulate their emotions (due to a lack of interactive regulation in childhood), they turn to external sources to "auto-regulate."
The Cycle: People use substances or behaviors (sex, gambling, shopping) to escape the painful, "dead" feeling of a shame-based core.
The Body: Chronic shame results in low dopamine tone, often manifesting as a "limp" or depleted physical presence.

4. Shame and Identity
Shame deeply impacts how we view ourselves and interact with the world:
External Locus of Control: Without internal regulation, people look outward for validation, often leading to poor boundaries and becoming susceptible to exploitation.
The Victim/Perpetrator Paradox: In adulthood, those with toxic shame may "perpetrate from a victim position." They use their shame to avoid accountability, forcing partners to caretake them rather than addressing the original issue.

Recovery and Hope
Healing from chronic shame is a long-term process (often 3–5 years), but change is possible:
Ownership: Admitting to the behaviors and secrets without defense or minimization.
Community: Utilizing 12-step programs or therapy to experience "interactive regulation" with others.
Healthy Shame: Learning to use shame as a pro-social "lane marker" that helps us stay in integrity, rather than a weight that collapses our identity.
"You can't undo shame by yourself. You really have to have a community of concern to help you through it." — Dr. Alexandra Katehakis
Resources Mentioned
Books: Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation by Alexandra Katehakis.
Experts: Allan Schore (Affect Regulation), Bruce Perry (Trauma and Development), Dan Siegel (Attachment).
Center for Healthy Sex: Located in Los Angeles, CA.

Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation: A Neurobiological Relational Model
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If you live in California and are looking for counseling or therapy please check out Novus Mindful Life Counseling and Recovery Center
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In this episode, Duane Osterlind sits down with Dr. Rachel Docekal to discuss the shifting landscape of youth addiction and mental health. With over 40 years of history, the Hanley Foundation is moving beyond the "Just Say No" era into evidence-based prevention that addresses the root causes of use: isolation, digital addiction, and the mental health fallout of the post-COVID world.
Key Takeaways
The "Double Whammy" of COVID & Smartphones: Dr. Docekal highlights how the combination of pandemic isolation and the rise of social media "highlight reels" has created a surge in anxiety and depression among youth.
The Shift in Treatment: For the first time, the Hanley Center has had to dedicate primary beds specifically to mental health (not just detox), reflecting a crisis where substances are often a secondary symptom of internal distress.
The THC Trap: They discuss the alarming trend of high-potency marijuana causing psychiatric breaks in young people—and the frightening reality that for some, the cognitive changes may be permanent.
Connection Over Correction: The core of the issue is often a loss of "true human connection." From families on phones at dinner to the addictive nature of algorithms, the "nemesis" in the pocket is often the biggest barrier to wellness.

Innovative Prevention Programs
The Hanley Foundation is pioneering programs that treat students with dignity rather than just discipline.
Program Focus
Replacing "Zero Tolerance"Instead of suspension/expulsion, students caught using enter a series of counseling sessions that include their parents.Alcohol Literacy ChallengeDe-bunking MythsThis program uses science to show kids that the "positive" effects they expect from alcohol (confidence, better dancing) are actually psychological, not pharmacological.A Note for Parents: The Power of "Just Being"
When asked for her #1 piece of advice for parents and educators, Dr. Docekal offered a grounding perspective:
"You don’t have to have the answer; you just have to have the presence. Just be with your kid. Your job is to listen—not to talk, not to demand, and certainly not to solve."
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Prevention Services: HanleyFoundation.org
Treatment Services: HanleyCenter.org
Support Hotline: 844-502-HOPE (4673)
The Addicted Mind Website: TheAddictedMind.com

If you live in California and are looking for counseling or therapy please check out Novus Mindful Life Counseling and Recovery Center
NovusMindfulLife.com
We want to hear from you. Leave us a message or ask us a question: https://www.speakpipe.com/addictedmind
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See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Download: BUILDING YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK AND ASKING FOR HELP

Have you ever felt like reaching out for help is a sign of weakness? You're not alone. In this eye-opening episode of the Addicted Mind podcast, hosts Duane Osterlind and Eric Osterlind delve into the powerful impact of asking for help on the journey to recovery.

Asking for help can be one of the hardest steps in addiction recovery, but it's also one of the most crucial. Duane and Eric discuss common barriers like shame, denial, and fear of vulnerability that keep people from seeking the support they need. They share personal stories and insights from their experiences as therapists, emphasizing that recovery flourishes in connection and not in isolation. Listen in as they break down five key internal beliefs that often prevent people from reaching out and offer practical advice on overcoming these hurdles. By the end of the episode, you'll understand why seeking help is not a sign of weakness but a profound act of courage and strength.

Key topics

• The 5 main barriers to asking for help in addiction recovery
• Why social support is crucial for maintaining long-term sobriety
• How childhood experiences can affect our ability to seek help
• The importance of vulnerability in the recovery process
• Practical steps to overcome the fear of asking for support
• Free resources to help build your support network

Timestamps

[00:01:06] Introduction to the importance of asking for help in recovery
[00:03:51] Discussing the 5 internal beliefs that prevent people from seeking help
[00:04:12] Exploring shame and stigma as barriers
[00:05:26] Addressing denial in addiction
[00:06:34] The fear of vulnerability and its roots
[00:08:00] Self-reliance mindset and its impact on seeking help
[00:09:57] Dealing with hopelessness in addiction recovery

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In this episode of The Addicted Mind, we dive deep into the world of experiential therapy with Steve Buckby, a seasoned therapist with over 50 years of experience. Steve shares his profound insights into the Virginia Satir Model and how its principles of change, the "Mandala," and the "Iceberg" can be powerful tools for those struggling with addiction.
We explore the idea of addiction as a "lover" that must be grieved, the necessity of walking through chaos to find a new status quo, and why the relationship between therapist and client is a collaborative journey of human-to-human connection.
Key Takeaways
The Process of Change: Change isn’t a straight line; it requires moving from a familiar (even if painful) status quo, through a "foreign element" that sparks chaos, and finally into a new, healthier balance.
Addiction as a "Lover": Recovery often involves a grieving process similar to the stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Letting go of a substance is often like losing a significant, albeit toxic, relationship.
The Satir Mandala: Understanding the physical, intellectual, emotional, sensual, interactional, nutritional, contextual, and spiritual dimensions of ourselves to find true balance.
Vulnerability & Connection: Addiction thrives in isolation. Healing begins when we take the risk to be "real" and vulnerable within a supportive community or therapeutic relationship.
Education as Empowerment: Understanding the physiology of addiction helps separate the person from the "ism," reducing shame and fostering self-forgiveness.

Understanding the Satir Model
Steve explains that human beings naturally seek a Status Quo. In addiction, that status quo is the cycle of use. To break it, a "Foreign Element" (a crisis, a choice, or an intervention) must disrupt the system.
The Stages of Transformation
Old Status QuoThe familiar, predictable way of living (even if dysfunctional). Foreign ElementAn event or realization that makes the old status quo no longer viable.ChaosThe "limbo" period where old patterns don't work and new ones aren't yet formed. Integration Learning new strategies and internalizing resources. New Status Quo A state of higher functioning, self-compassion, and awareness.The "Iceberg Theory"
Steve also touches on the Iceberg Theory, which suggests that behavior (the tip of the iceberg) is driven by much deeper levels of feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings, and the "Self."

"The story is not the problem; the meaning of the story is really important." — Steve Buckby
By shifting the meaning we give to our past trauma and choices, we can move from shame to positive-directional change.

About Our Guest: Steve Buckby
Steve Buckby is a certified social worker and licensed professional counselor based in Escanaba, Michigan. Practicing since the early 1970s, Steve has dedicated his career to outpatient and inpatient care, as well as teaching the experiential methods of Virginia Satir to the next generation of healers.

Connect with Steve:
Email: [email protected]
Resources Mentioned
Virginia Satir Global Network
The Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief
Mindfulness Practices
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Episode Credits

If you live in California and are looking for counseling or therapy please check out Novus Mindful Life Counseling and Recovery Center
NovusMindfulLife.com
We want to hear from you. Leave us a message or ask us a question: https://www.speakpipe.com/addictedmind
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In this episode of The Addicted Mind, Duane speaks with Nima Rahmany, a former chiropractor turned emotional health educator. Nima shares his profound journey from "success on paper" to a total relational breakdown that forced him to confront his own deep-seated patterns of anxious attachment and fawning.
They dive deep into the concept of becoming "trigger-proof," the hidden cost of people-pleasing, and why "shame alchemization" is the secret to a truly authentic life. Whether you are struggling with addiction, burnout, or toxic relationship cycles, this episode offers a roadmap for moving from unconscious reactivity to conscious leadership.

Key Topics & Chapters
[01:32] The Wake-Up Call: Nima Rahmany discusses how a crisis in his personal life and a brush with the legal system forced him to look past his professional success and address his defensive reactivity.
[03:54] The Cost of Fawning: A breakdown of the "Fawn" response—how suppressing your truth to appease others creates a "bottomless pit" of resentment and physical inflammation.
[10:14] Defining the Fawn Response: Nima provides a powerful analogy of how children learn to appease "predators" (caregivers) to survive, and how that evolves into a destructive adult relationship strategy.
[14:41] Somatic Impact: Exploring the link between unresolved emotional wounds, fawning, and chronic physical issues like autoimmune diseases and inflammation.
[21:00] Loving the Shadow: Why true self-love isn't about liking your "best" parts, but about "unshaming" the parts of yourself you’ve tried to kill off or hide.
[27:12] Success vs. Intimacy: Why high-achieving entrepreneurs often crush it in business but fail in relationships, and how the "push energy" of success can actually block emotional safety.
[47:26] The Worthiness Inquiry: Nima shares a foundational question for listeners: "I am only worthy of love when..."
[52:00] The Heartbeat Realization: A moving story about hearing his son’s heartbeat and rediscovering the concept of inherent worthiness.
Quotes
"Shame alchemization is the secret to being a human... finding these embarrassing, unacceptable parts of us and really looking to understand them." — Nima Rahmany
"Fawning is when you freeze a part of you in an interaction... you freeze your truth and then you perform niceness." — Nima Rahmany
"One size fits all is not real. It’s not real for baseball caps, and it’s not real for recovery plans." — Nima Rahmany
"The path to self-love is really about loving your shadow." — Nima Rahmany
Understanding the Survival Responses
To better understand where "Fawning" fits into our biological safety system, it helps to see it alongside the more commonly known stress responses:
Fight: Aggression and boundary-setting.
Flight: Avoiding or escaping the threat.
Freeze: Numbing out or becoming paralyzed.
Fawn: Appeasing the threat to ensure safety.
Resources Mentioned
The Attachment Style Quiz: Discover if you are anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. [Link provided in bio/show notes]
Recovery Demystified: Exploring "Quit Lit" and science-based recovery tools.
"Unshaming": The work of David Bedrick.
About Nima Rahmany
Nima Rahmani is the founder of the Trigger-Proof methodology. He helps entrepreneurs and individuals heal attachment wounds to uplevel their capacity for love and leadership.
Connect with Nima:
Website:https://becometriggerproof.com/
Instagram: @nimarahmanyofficial

Previous Interview With Nima Rahmany

Previous Interview With Dr. Nima Rahmani
If you live in California and are looking for counseling or therapy please check out Novus Mindful Life Counseling and Recovery Center
NovusMindfulLife.com
We want to hear from you. Leave us a message or ask us a question: https://www.speakpipe.com/addictedmind
Disclaimer
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.